All Rileyed Up

Beth Staples is the managing editor for Hayden’s Ferry Review and Marginalia and was kind of enough to do some Q&A with me about the submissions process for her publications. You can read excerpts from Hayden’s Ferry Review here, the publication’s blog is here, and an LA Times review of Hayden’s Ferry Review can be found here. Enjoy!

1. Approx how many submissions do you receive in a month and what is the process for reading them?
Oh boy. Math on the very first question. I’m not sure how many per month exactly, and that probably varies. (Some journals don’t read in the summer, and even though we do, it seems like people submit less during the summer months.) For each issue of HFR (every six months), we receive about 1300 prose submissions (that’s fiction and nonfiction, though about 90% of that is fiction), and 750 poetry submissions (each submission has usually 3-6 poems). We also accept unsolicited art and translation submissions, though the editors for those areas spend a lot of time researching and courting the work for the issue.
Our editors are MFA students in their third year of the program here at ASU. The associate editors are a combination of graduate students in their first two years, and talented ASU staff and community members. The associate editors are the first line of defense, reading through the slush. They decide whether to reject the work or pass it on to the editors. There are usually two editors per genre, so from the passed-on work, they must come to a consensus about what they will accept. I basically oversee the process, hire and manage the staff, and help out with the reading.

2. Do you try to divide each issue up equally among the different forms of writing, or do you find that your issues tend more towards poetry or fiction or…?
We allot a certain number of pages to each set of editors based on a 180-page issue. But sometimes we find that we’ll have an especially wonderful set of stories, or more poetry, or more black and white photography, etc. and the editors can choose to share some of their pages. The issue is sometimes longer or shorter than 180 pages, based on how much good work we receive. Basically, we wouldn’t publish work we didn’t like just to pad the issue, and we wouldn’t send away work that we wanted to publish. The page allotments are fluid, and the editors work together to decide what goes in.
One thing I’ll mention is that we don’t get many nonfiction submissions. For our “Works of Witness” issue (#39), that theme really lent itself to nonfiction, and we published 4 or 5 essays. In our last issue (#42) the editors didn’t choose any nonfiction because they simply didn’t feel strongly about anything we got. We’d definitely like to see more essay submissions.

3. How much time do you spend on your own writing?
Not enough, is the short answer. I’ve only been editing HFR full time since January. Before that, I was an MFA student at ASU, finishing the first draft of my novel for my thesis. The transition from graduate school to the working world wasn’t the easiest one. My alarm hadn’t been set that early in a while. I was tired a lot. I bought a house, so I was also broke. And the absence of that kind of womb-like community of graduate school left me a little scared, I think. I realized it didn’t matter if I wrote or not, not to anyone but me. I’m only just getting used all of that, getting back into writing regularly again. And by regularly I mean a few stolen hours on maybe two weeknights, and a nice little chunk on a Saturday. I also have to vacuum sometimes, and watch So You Think You Can Dance, and eat, pet my cat, go swimming. It feels like juggling sometimes, trying to find time for all of those things. It’s funny, as a writer you never feel like you have “free” time; whenever I sit down to relax I always think, “You should be using this time to write, dummy.”

4. How much reading do you do outside of the reading you do for the journal?
I’ve been making this more of a priority lately. I find it’s really hard to do both – read for HFR and read for “pleasure” (Not that reading the slush isn’t pleasant; I absolutely enjoy it). It’s weird, the more I was reading for HFR, the more difficult I found it was to read already published stuff. There’s a certain editorial mindset involved with reading submissions, a kind of hopefulness or cheerleading as you read a story or poem, and usually the feeling kind of crashes. That is, you don’t love everything you read no matter how much you want to. It’s hard to relax that tendency. And maybe you shouldn’t, I don’t know. But when a book or story is already published, it doesn’t require the simple yes/no answer that editing ultimately requires. Or, necessarily, the cheerleading. In some ways, editing might be hostile to the act of reading for pleasure. But then again, I’m not sure a writer can read strictly for pleasure. I’m always trying to take apart what I’m reading, to learn from it. Did I answer the question?

5. What other jobs have you held that have enabled you to understand writing/publishing process better?
Well, let’s see. I worked as an editorial assistant my first job after college. Except I was working for a medical publisher. I worked on textbooks about otolaryngology and urology. I actually helped put together a chapter for surgeons about what to do with a penis caught in a zipper. Then I worked for a “publishing services provider” called Xlibris. Basically, we helped people self-publish. A lot of those books were really bad, but I still liked working with the authors. I kept thinking, “all these people can write a book. I can write a book.” So I applied to grad school. In grad school, I worked as a teaching assistant, teaching English 101 and creative writing. My third year, I applied to be one of the fiction editors for HFR. And then I got a graduate assistant position working with Salima Keegan, the Managing Editor of HFR (for over 20 years!). When she was retiring and I was graduating, she really pulled for me to take her place. She knew how much I loved HFR. I owe so much to her. Honestly, I was in the right place at the right time. I feel lucky.

6. Is it okay that I said writing/publishing, or do you feel the two are separate, with two separate paths?
I’m not entirely sure I understand the question, but I’ll give it a go. For me, I pursued publishing after college because it was related to writing. I liked to write, but I knew no one would pay me to write short stories. Publishing sounded exciting. Some people who love to write get jobs as journalists or technical writers, but that never sounded any good to me. I didn’t want to get burnt out on writing with a job that required me to write all the time about (potentially) things I didn’t care for. That argument is just academic, though. I know writers who just write and write (for a living, at home), and the more things they write, the better they feel. I don’t think I’m that person. That said, I’ve been enjoying blogging. I usually write at least one post a day, and I like the rhythm of that. It’s been giving me confidence for my other work, I think, regularly producing an (albeit small) piece of writing.
As for whether writing and publishing are the same for me as a writer, that’s of course no. You have to just write what you believe in. Write and write and don’t think about whether anyone else will like it, last of all a “publisher.” Write the story you have to tell. When you’re done, you send it out. Getting it published doesn’t make it good.

7. How did you first get into writing?
It’s the same kind of corny story a lot of people tell. I wrote as far back as I can remember. When I was a kid, I wrote poems that rhymed and fables about animals. I used to narrate my every-day activities as if I were in a book. That way it felt like someone cared about every little thing that I did. That sensibility has stuck with me – an attention to the little things, a desire to chronicle moments so that they’re not lost, writing as memory.

8. Who are your favorite writers?
Gabriel Garcia Marquez. George Saunders. Nicole Krauss. Jose Saramago. Kelly Link. Vladimir Nabokov. The way Nabokov writes is so amazing to me. You can just see that he has it, The Gift. (Ah! That’s a joke, because that’s the title of one of his novels!) I love the magical and strange, anyone who can make me laugh.

9. Any editor pet peeves that writers should know about, personal or general?
That’s tough, because I think the things that annoy me are highly personal. A few things do get under my skin: I’m always highly suspicious of stories that take place in trailer parks or at religious revivals. They’re a kind of “white trash” story I see a lot, often accompanied by the characters speaking in some strange version of a southern accent. I rarely like stories about writers or teachers of writing: they often seem like a failure of the imagination. And don’t explain your story in your cover letter; always a red flag. I can think of exceptions to all of the above, though. Anything can be done well.

10. Are most of the editors you know also writers?
I don’t really know many other editors. The few I do are writers. Editing is another one of the ways to be employed doing something you really care about. I love my job. I get to work with and in support of writers and artists all day long.

11. I’ve heard the criticism of MFA programs that they focus so much on craft they lose sight of the creative process? Sour grapes, or do you have any thoughts on this, for writers considering an MFA?
I’ve heard tons of bad things about MFA programs. Is it possible that someone could come out of an MFA so wrapped up in the technicalities that s/he has lost sight of the joy? I suppose. Do I think that MFA programs could better prepare writers for the real world? Perhaps. Do I think some are too competitive? I’m sure. Do some encourage group-think? I guess it’s possible. None of that happened to me. This is what I’ll say of my MFA experience: I was given three years to spend most of my time writing. Someone else paid me to do that! ASU gave me a community of people who valued what I did, people to talk about writing with. I worked with brilliant teachers and writers. I learned that I could teach. I traveled to China. And I found my way into a job. All of that is pretty amazing. To be given the time, space, and support to simply write as much as possible – that’s a dream come true for a lot of writers. I feel grateful for the experience.

12. What prompted your decision to create a blog for HFR?
This question actually prompted me to write a blog post. What I said there was that a blog seemed like a good way to supplement the work of our printed issues, a place to talk to our contributors and learn more about their work. It helps us to both deepen our readers’ experiences with what we publish, and broaden the reach of our contributors. And since our mission is to support emerging artists, the blog also gives us a chance to do more of that: to talk about writing and visual art more. The implication is that the reach of the printed copies of HFR is limited. This is, of course, true. We are not only limited by our ability to find our readers out in the world, but also by the number of copies we can afford to print. The blog, ideally, helps us find more readers for our printed issues, and furthers the whole of our mission. And, it’s fun. And, you know, a strong internet presence seems to be kind of important.

13. And just so that all the writers out there can remember that as an editor, you’re also a human, how about your most embarrassing moment?
Okay, here it goes. This is pretty gross. I was on a kind of “date” with this guy I met at a bar. It was my first year at ASU, and I was trying to get to know people. He worked on campus, so we met on a concrete bench next to a palm tree for coffee. I had a cold. We were sitting and talking for a while, and my nose started to get runny. I didn’t want to get up to ruin the moment, so there was a lot of sniffling. As things escalated, I tried to check for drippings by casually running my finger under my nose. All the while, maintaining a witty banter. (In my mind, I replay this like that scene in Better Off Dead where John Cusack and that character “Beth” both think they have something in their noses while they’re talking. Except worse.). Obviously, there was something emerging, because when I pulled my hand away, a giant strand of snot – like a tight rope – connected my nostril to my outstretched hand. At this point, I was able to excuse myself. I went to a bathroom in the nearest building to clean up and calm down. When I returned, in typical ‘me’ fashion, I remember saying, “I peed while I was in there, just to make sure I won’t go in my pants.” I thought that was funny. Now that I’ve typed it, I’m not so sure. I’m engaged now, so eat your heart out, fellas!

This concludes the interview. Once again, here are the links: excerpts from Hayden’s Ferry Review here, the publication’s blog is here, and an LA Times review of Hayden’s Ferry Review can be found here.

Thanks, Beth!

1. Bits and Bobbins– written by someone I actually know, it’s all about fashion and she is fabulous
2. Breathing Words — she is a beautiful writer and I have no doubt she will one day produce the great work of Chinese American literature and this is your opportunity to say you knew her when (btw, Joyce, are you done yet?)
3. Flutter — there are no words for her beautiful writing, but I’ll try anyways. Striking? Compelling? They really don’t do her justice
4. Sunny Side Up — lives in my neck of the woods, always funny, and surfs more than I dare to dream
5. What Works for Us — what works for her works for me too. Come often, and ready to laugh. She’s always got a new post.
6. The Wild Koba’s Music Box — great music blog. Always learning about some new band. Also written by someone I know.
7. Scribbit - I’m sure you already know who she is, but she’s funny and turns out great recipes and there’s a free giveaway every Saturday of a really cool thing and she does a monthly writing contest that I won once and have failed to remember to enter every month since (maybe I subconsciously want to go out a winner?)

And some new discoveries for me:

8. Compost Mom — I only just came across Daisy this past month, but already I love her blog. Lots of gardening, which is something I’m always claiming I’m going to do more of, so hopefully, the more I read Daisy, the more inspired I’ll become to finally move up a step from what I’ve got going on.
9. Stuff Jen Says - her latest post on Chuck Norris made me laugh, because we all know I’m a glutton for Chuck Norris
10. Cheaper Than Therapy - cheaper than therapy, for me too, because she makes me laugh, and laughter is good for the soul.
11. A Goddess in the Kitchen - A food blog. In her most recent post, she writes “I think that Elvis and JFK are beaming gamma rays down from the Mother Ship on my tomatoes.” Frankly, I can’t imagine why you aren’t clicking over RIGHT NOW to read her.
12. Life on the Edge - another recent discovery that I am enjoying. Clever titles, quick reads.
13. Condo Blues - in a single post, she references John Waters, discusses kitsch, and shows off home decorating jobs she’s pulled off. I am smitten.

Recently, my niece and I were driving to her house, and I said, “Do you want to stop at Starbucks?”

I enjoy asking my niece this question probably as much as she likes hearing it, because we are both slaves to our beverages. She loves the fraps. I love the lattes. Plus, she stays in the car with the kids and receives a free drink and I get to indulge in a few blissful moments of Eponine time (because I’m “On My Own”).

She asked if I ever gave the employees fake names to write on the coffee cups, and I thought, why the hell would I do that? And she told me that some girls she knows (but never her personally) like to give silly names, like “Sexy Mama” and well, I admit, I had a good, long laugh at the notion of a 15-year-old telling the beatnik dude behind the counter at Starbucks that her name was Sexy Mama.

So what would you tell them your name was, if you wanted to give them a silly name? The more I thought about it, the more answers I came up with. Just remember, you have to say it with a straight face:

1. Cowgirl – YEEEEHAW! Get me some straight up black coffee, I likes ‘em hot! Boy howdy, Starbucks ain’t gonna know what him ‘em.
2. Sexy Mama – Well, as stated above, I didn’t make this one up, but it’s Just. So. Me.
3. McLovin – I actually asked the girl behind the counter if people gave her fake names and she told me that this was a popular name choice among the guy set. There you have it.
4. Humbucker – Husband turned me on to this word. It’s a guitar-related item, but doesn’t it sound more like something sexual? Or is that just my dirty mind?
5. “I Have No Name” – but the key to saying this is that you have to imitate the blind guy in Oh, Brother Where Art Thou. Ideally, your Starbucks employee will respond, “That there may be why you’re having trouble finding gainful employment” or if they’re that damn beatnik employee, maybe they will respond with bad, forcefully written poetry
6. Bone Lick – admittedly, this is not the name for a person, but it is the name for a place in Kentucky, as I was informed by Veronica over at Toddled Dredge; thank you, once again, Veronica, for making me laugh
7. Eponine – well, as already stated, I refer to my in-line time for coffee as Eponine time
8. Cosette – hell, let’s just cover all those Les Mis names
9. Fantine – see above
10. Genevieve – to be honest, I always wished this was my name when I was younger. Now’s my chance to live out a FANTASY!!!!!!!!
11. Mr. Spock – just to see who laughs and who thinks I’m dip wad
12. DJ Moses – there is a long story behind this but let’s leave it at, this was a nickname I had in college for a rap I made up that opened with me impersonating Charlton Heston parting the Red Sea
13. Luke – Mainly, I want to use this name, so that when they yell out ‘Luke!’ I can yell back, in a trembling, angst-ridden voice “I’ll never join you!” or please, please, PLEASE, let them have made the wrong drink, just so I can say, “Frappucino? No… no… that’s not true… that’s IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!”

Needless to say, I plan on subjecting my Starbucks employees to irritation at its finest. Wish me luck.

(More lists of thirteen here)

A new law went into effect here in California that has made it illegal to drive while talking on your handheld cell phone. As much as I hate laws that infringe on my right to make decisions for myself, I’m not too mad about this one. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people who talk on their phone while driving (though my number one driving irritant is traffic caused by drivers who slow down to look at an accident on the opposite side of the freeway).

So. To all you cell phone users who are wondering what the heck you’re supposed to do now that you can’t talk on your phone, consider these options:

1. Blinkers. This is what you turn on when you want to move to the right or to the left, instead of just darting over while continuing your phone conversation uninterrupted.
2. Here’s a mind-blower: ten o’clock AND two o’clock. That’s right. You can put both of your hands on the steering wheel now, making that three point turn exactly that.
3. Look at the people in the In-n-Out drive-thru. That’s right—those are people, not mechanical hands. And they’re smiling at you. Now you can smile back, and hey, maybe you can even say thank you.
4. Hey look, there’s your exit! You spotted it a half mile ahead of time and got over appropriately. You DIDN’T have to cut across three lanes to barely make it. Way to go.
5. Hear that? It’s not your friend talking about her mother in law. It’s an ambulance. Stop moving. Pat yourself on the back. You’re now a conscientious driver.
6. Four way stop. Guess who knows who got there first – YOU do, because you weren’t talking.
7. Music. Play your Celine Dion. Loud as you want. Sing along with it. EVERYONE IS WATCHING.
8. Look at the woman waiting to walk on the crosswalk. Look at her cross the street. And look at you, not accidentally running her over because you were too busy talking. Nicely done. Go ahead and treat yourself to making fun of her outfit –does she really think she looks good with those shoes?
9. Merging. This goes to all drivers, not just those on cell phones. Repeat after me: You Go. I Go. You Go. I Go. NOT “I know I can slide in there” and NOT “let’s not let anyone in front of me.”
10. Your kids. They’re in the car with you. Talk to them. Play games with them. They’ll like it. And when they go to school, they’ll say to their teacher, “My mom and I sang Wheels on the Bus” instead of “What’s PMS? My mom told Aunt Susie you have a permanent case of it.”
11. Coffee. When you want to take a sip of your coffee, you can keep one hand on the steering wheel, which means you 1) won’t spill it and 2) you won’t veer into another lane. Isn’t this much better than driving with your knees while talking on the phone and drinking your latte and showing up at work with a brown stain on your thigh?
12. Stick shift. Remember how you always said ‘I can’t drive a stick?’ Now you can. All it really took was a bit more concentration.
13. By the way, that conversation you missed? It wasn’t that important. But if you really think it was, there’s always Bluetooth.

Little No Limit has had a steady fever of 102 since Saturday and it’s been a sad, frustrating feeling, looking into her doped-up eyes (courtesy of OTC drugs and antibiotics) and thinking, huh, it’s a shame they don’t know why you feel this way. I’m so glad I pay through the nose for health insurance.

Besides the business that comes with a sick child, I’ve also been preparing for the Santa Barbara Writer’s Conference, which I’m attending for the first time (yippee!!) although the excitement is somewhat tempered by Little No Limit’s current health scene. Who actually wants to leave town when their baby is sick?

This is all to say, I haven’t been too visible in the blog world. So. Here are thirteen other blogs that may interest you:

1. Frog and Toad Are Still Friends– Touching and funny. Every. Single. Day. I’m so jealous as to how Beck finds the time to do this. And comment as much she does.
2. Three and Holding– Great writer. Great posts. I gave Janet a Perfect Post award many months ago and if I could, I’d give her one every month. For every post. But that hardly seems fair.
3. Toddled Dredge – One of the first blogs I started reading on a regular basis. Veronica is the most intelligent blogger I read. I need a dictionary sometimes. It’s embarrassing.
4. Alpha DogMa – If Alpha DogMa doesn’t make you laugh, then you must not understand humor.
5. Resident Alien – Mary, Mary, Mary. So cool, so worldly. And so quick to help out with the Japanese translating!
6. Weird Girl – What can I say? She’s weird (in a good way, obviously…)
7. Drama Queen – Someday, Angel and I are going to get drunk together. And it’s going to be hilarious.
8. Her Mind Lives in a Quiet Room – I love living vicariously through her. Because my mind lives in Europe.
9. Under Construction – Proud new dad to a pretty little girl! Yeah SRH! Congrats on never sleeping again!
10. Here in Idaho – Kristi should make money for how well she insults celebrities. And Kristi still hasn’t sent me her book (hint, hint).
11. Poppy Fields – Like description number 8, I dream of a life like Poppy Fields. Her scenic pictures make me swoon.
12. Planet Nomad – I never know what to expect from Planet Nomad, but I know it will always be of interest. And often make me laugh. Plus, I’ve always liked the word nomad.
13. Whee! All the Way Home – This woman rules the haiku.

Disappointed your blog isn’t listed? Perhaps next Thursday’s post. Same bat time. Same bat place.

School has been cancelled today due to concern about air quality from the wildfires. I pulled out all the Christmas toys the kids received last Christmas that I put on the top shelf of their closet to save for a rainy day, and while today is the furthest thing from rainy, it seemed like the day to break them out. It’s like a mini-Christmas over here. If it weren’t so hot outside, I’d make us hot chocolate and marshmallows and put Rudolph on the TV. I’m kind of glad that I don’t need to deal with school today and the kids are distracted by new toys indoors, as I am still suffering a lack of energy, the kind that always follows my trips to New Orleans.

Some of the highlights of the trip:

1. Sandwich Action: the gals sitting next to me at Balcony Bar danced with my cousin’s boyfriend (read: smothered him) to help him celebrate his birthday. We took pictures.

2. Restroom Rebels: even though the sign said “One person per bathroom please, or you will be asked to leave” my cousin and I both went in (oooh) and the bartender charged on over and pounded that door and yelled at us “ONLY ONE AT A TIME! HEY!” (she was a friend of my cousin’s so we didn’t get asked to leave)

3. Geaux Saints: who doesn’t love live football, especially when your team wins?

4. Bywater Art Market: two decorative tiles came home with me

5. Maple Leaf: Afroskull’s ten year anniversary show, complete with a solo by Wild Koba

6. Wedded Bliss: in addition to the actual wedding, there was also a bridal luncheon, a picnic in Audubon Park, and breakfast with the bride. Their favor was personalized koozies!

7. School Library: visited the school library that my friend is the librarian for and met some of her students. The school was previously located in the Ninth Ward and their library went from 55,000 books to 500. Now, they’re up to 2,000.

8. Election Time: always fun.

9. The Ridiculous Rental Car Experience: Have you ever stood in water reaching above your thigh while pushing your rental car into a parking lot? You’re not missing out.

10. Drunk Man at Juan’s Flying Burrito: I shared a quarter of my cookie with him and he bought me two drinks. He sure got the short end of that deal.

11. Chance Encounters: Ran into this guy who apparently worked at the same restaurant I worked at, had been to my house, and had made out with my best friend. I had no recollection of who he was and accused him of being a liar. I promptly called my best friend, who then confirmed his story, and informed me it was immediately after I moved away.

12. Downtown Dancing: spent quality time with my cousin at Molly’s and R Bar and whatever restaurant it was that we happened upon that was actually still open. Then the cab driver didn’t know how to get me home and I had to call my friends at 4:15 in the morning and ask for directions.

13. Sleeping: No. Not so much.

(This list part of Thursday Thirteen, which you can also learn about here)

Here are 13 random memories of New Orleans, rebuilding for two years and counting (shout out to Oh The Joys for her post). And check out GulfSails’ sidebars – both the top 16 Remembering Katrina posts and New Orleans resources.

This list will not mean much to you, but I wrote it for my NOLA guys and gals, my bestest of friends, and the people who helped me become who I am (yeah, blame them). Someday, these will all be chapters in a book. More lists forthcoming.

1. All-you-can-eat red beans and rice and fried chicken at Dunbar’s on Freret St.

2. The Keg Rodeo (you don’t want to know).

3. MOMS Ball (you might want to know).

4. Naked Saturday (you DO want to know)

5. Caterpillars that sting.

6. Rebirth’s Mardi Gras 06 show at Tipitina’s and the guy outside in the monkey suit (we paid him to do a cartwheel).

7. New Orleans Philharmonic Night at NOMA and Bolla wine.

8. Jazz Fest food booths, Southern Comfort, and turkey legs (I’m gonna eat it, and then I’m gonna use it as a weapon!).

9. Hazy afternoons in Audobon Park

10. Sitting on the neutral ground at Louisiana and St. Charles, eating crawfish, drinking Abita, watching Endymion.

11. Beth’s foot getting run over by the Zulu float (but at least she got a golden coconut).

12. Po-boys from Adam’s St. Grocer.

13. Sitting on the roof of Lucky’s with a guy in a fedora hat, talking about the city and sewing. And then seeing him a week later climbing into a dumpster. (??????)

And now my favorite grocery store slogan—

Party on Coliseum Street, Mardi Gras 2006

(This list part of Thursday Thirteen, which you can also learn about here)

From the high school Student Government Association to the neighborhood Home Owners Association, it’s all about being a busybody.

1. Car Problems –
The SGA: “The juniors are parking in the senior lot. Oh, the horror!”

The HOA: “My neighbor is parking in their driveway instead of their garage! Oh, the horror!”

2. Rumors –
The SGA: “Did you hear that Amy Sue hooked up with Daniel at Jay’s party?”

The HOA: “Did you hear Daniel left Amy Sue for a woman at his office?”

3. Helping Hand –
The SGA: “It’s time for the annual food drive to help those poor people. I don’t know who they are.”

The HOA: “It’s time for the annual food drive to help those poor people. I don’t know where they are. Certainly not here.”

4. Appearances –
The SGA: “What’s with Laura’s clothes? Does she not know how to match colors?”

The HOA: “What’s with Laura’s yard? Does she not know how to match flowers? It *clearly* states in Guideline 351, Part 18, Section zz: NO PEONIES NEXT TO LILIES!!!!!!!!!”

5. Problem Solving –
The SGA: “Okay, let’s just ignore Janet from now on when she says that she’s a famous model in Japan. She just wants attention, and we’re not going to give it to her.”

The HOA: “Okay, let’s picket the homebuilder. If it gets enough attention, they’ll give us what we want.”

6. The Pool –
The SGA: “Our rival high school snuck into our pool and peed in it. How dare they!!!! How do we exact revenge?” (Plan ensues to go to that school and spray paint the tennis court)

The HOA: “There are people who don’t live in our community USING THE POOL!!!! How dare they!!!! How are we going to stop them?” (Plan ensues to hire a guard at the pool gate to check IDs)

7. The Newsletter Headline
The SGA: “Basketball Team Wins National Championship. Gooooooo Bobcats!”
The HOA: “A Bobcat Has Been Spotted on the Basketball Court.”

8. The Article that Follows the Headline
The SGA: “The Bobcats won the National Title. Johnny scored 31 points. Art school 29. After the game, there was a huge party where Art and Johnny had a beer bong drink off. Art won. The doctors say he’ll be fully recovered and back to school next week. Goooooooo Bobcats!”

The HOA: “A bobcat was spotted on the basketball court. Speaking of the basketball court, please remember that teenagers are not allowed to rollerblade, rollerskate, skateboard, or do anything else involving wheels that might lead us to believe they are on drugs (because the two are obviously correlated) on the basketball court. They might harm the bobcat.

9. Money
The SGA: $15/year. If you don’t pay, the Treasurer might call you to remind you.

The HOA: Your Life Savings/Every Month. If you don’t pay… nevermind, you don’t want to know. Just pay it.

10. Where Does the Money Go?
The SGA: Prom, of course, like all the other money the SGA makes in their fundraisers (except for when feeding those poor people)

The HOA: Paper, of course, because it’s got to cost something to print up that 4-inch thick binder of rules and guidelines (like Guideline 239, Part II, Section b: Everyone MUST keep their garage door closed except when pulling their car in and out of the garage.) and mail out all those warnings when your yard looks like it needs some fertilizer, or you haven’t yet submitted your landscaping plans after living in the house a whopping 42.5 days.

10. The Issued Warning
The SGA: “It has come to our attention that you don’t act like everyone else. Please appear before the student court to defend yourself. Please do not wear your weird, emo clothing.”

The HOA: “It has come to our attention that your house doesn’t look like everyone else’s. Please do something about it in the allotted time detailed below (one month) or we will fine you. A lot. And if you don’t pay the fine… nevermind, you don’t want to know.”

11. Meeting New People
The SGA: There’s a new student. I heard from Miss Gossip Queen that he was expelled from his last school for driving his car on the school lawn.

The HOA: There’s a new homeowner. I heard from Nosy Neighbor that they used to live in The ‘Other’ Gated Community. Hope they don’t think we’re as lax as they were. They don’t even have a security guard at their pool!

12. Election Time
The SGA: Hi, I’m Sue Ann, your friend. Remember when I said hi to you last year when I was running for junior class secretary? Now, I’m ready to serve you as Student Government Association president. Please vote for me.

The HOA: Hi, I’m Sue Ann, your neighbor. Did you know that the homebuilders chose who represented our community on the HOA board??? That means you didn’t even get to vote!!!! We need to take them down once and for all, those ROTTEN, THIEVING HOMEBUILDERS!!!!! Please vote for me. I’m also a loving mother to three, active in the community, and know exactly what to do about our bobcat problem.

13. Sordid Secrets
The SGA – The President of SGA, deep down, is a scared person afraid that if people met the ‘real’ her, they wouldn’t like her.

The HOA – The President of the HOA, at home, is the parent of the skateboarding, drug using fiend making up stories about bobcats (and as for that skateboarding thug – his hero is now Jake Brown).

(This list part of Thursday Thirteen, which you can also learn about here)

You might have heard any of these remarks over the course of my visit with the vet today:

1. Looks like Riley is headed for the vet’s office with both dogs and both kids. She’s overdue for that rabies vac. I’m thinking she might run into some trouble if any dogs show up from opposing teams.

2. Then we’re definitely in for some excitement. Not only are there two poodles in the waiting room, there’s two more jumped up dogs lingering around the exam rooms! I predict lots of barking in the near future.

3. Just listen to all that noise in the lobby! Those dogs are going wild!

4. Heh, heh, those aren’t just dogs. It seems Little No Limit wants to eat the dog biscuits. Kind of reminds me of that water bowl incident of 2005.

5. What’s that they’re saying to Riley? Two emergencies are taking up all the exam rooms? Looks like more time on the bench

6. Uh oh, some bad news coming for Riley. Notorious F.O.X. might have ringworm! That does explain that thing on Riley’s neck that she thought was a pimple that wasn’t going away.

7. Okay, things are looking better. Her Name is Rio is finishing off her visit. Nothing wrong with her but a little tartar on the teeth, which comes as no shock to Riley who doesn’t even own a dog toothbrush.

8. Heck, she doesn’t even enforce daily tooth brushing with her kids. Nobody’s thinking she’s brushing the dog’s teeth.

9. Hey, looks like the office is presenting her with a bill for $282. 75. Riley does not look happy. I hope she knows that next week, she’s going to get hit with late fees on those dog license renewals.

10. That’ll teach her to procrastinate. Things are wrapping up now. Another typical visit to the vet for Riley–wait… wait… what’s going on here? The Boy is throwing Riley for a loop! What’s that he’s saying? Potty? How is she going to manage this one? She can’t bring Notorious F.O.X. back into the office because she has ringworm, but she can’t leave the dogs outside either! This could be good.

11. I don’t believe it. She is telling The Boy to wait and he couldn’t be more angry! I have seen it all!

12. Actually, no. The vet office has offered to hold the dogs outside while Riley takes The Boy in. What a lucky break.

13. I tell you what – this has been one eventful trip to the vet. Riley got thrown a ton of curve balls, and she still came out calm enough that when she left, the vet assistant said, “You are so patient. I mean that. In fact, you’re my idol.”

And that’s the game.

This post marks my first ever participation in a Thursday Thirteen, which you can also learn about here.