Here we have a new round of author Q&A, with Carmen Shirkey who wrote the delightful romantic comedy, The List: Can Perfect be Put on Paper?, about Candance, who creates a list of the 50 qualities she wants in her ideal spouse. She soon finds herself attracted to two men. One meets the list’s standards. The other does not. Drama and laughter ensues.

1. How’d you come up with the premise?

I tell a lot of people that I “dream” the creative ideas I have, and they don’t believe me. However, my mind is most thoughtful around 2 or 3 a.m., so often ideas will come to me when I’m half asleep, so I call them my dream ideas!

2. This looks like it was a fun book to write. How long did it take you?

I tried to get a few of my other writer friends to write it first, because I just didn’t think I’d have the discipline to write it myself. I really wanted my screenplay-writer friend to do it, because I saw it as a movie before I saw it as a novel. However, once everyone told me to “write it myself!” I said “okay then!” I wrote it, start to finish, in one month. I participated in National Novel Writing Month (nanowrimo.com) and that gave me the kick in the pants I needed. Now, that was just the writing. I spent 4 more years thinking about it and editing and adding and cutting . . .

3. Which character did you have the most fun writing about?

Easy peasy. That would be the character of Candace’s best friend, Monica. You see, Monica is about as real as a character can get, because she’s one of MY best friends. The character is based on her, and I didn’t even change her name, because I couldn’t think of anything else that would suit her personality. Now, she IS fiction, in that names have been changed to protect the innocent and situations have been swapped, but she is almost exactly like the character.

4. Do you think any of these characters will make an appearance in a future book?

It’s hard to tell. I have no control of the ideas that come to me. However, I have started another book, this one a travel comedy instead of a romantic comedy, based on the real-life travels Monica and I have been on together. So it would likely be in the same tone, but not likely the same characters.

5. Was the list always 50 qualities, or did it start off longer or shorter?

I thought 50 was a good, round number, and ridiculous enough to catch your attention but not so ridiculous that I had to come up with 100 things. The book never really “lists” the list, but if you kept notes, you could probably figure it out. The only one that knows the whole list is Candace.

6. Do you have your own personal list of preferable qualities in a man? Care to name a few of them?

I did have a list, and I met my Mr. Right-for-Me a few years ago. My list was never 50 like Candace’s, but it started out much longer in my early 20’s, and got shortened as I got to be more realistic and more comfortable with my own skin. My list, which I still have tucked in my Bible, is a list of 12. Mr. Right meets every one of them. Has to love me with all his heart, has to like (or tolerate) cats (cuz the cat was here first), has to have a similar religion (because I dated outside my faith, and it was really too hard). I’ll keep the others to myself.

7. I saw you have a degree in rhetoric and communications. Did that education influence the way you view the sometimes problematic communication that occurs between men and women?

As if! My degree was more about how to communicate in a marketing sense. The communication between men and women would take a lifetime of study, and even then I’m pretty sure we’d still be scratching our heads.

8. Do you think male readers would enjoy this book?

If you had asked me before I published it, I would’ve said probably not. Now, however, I have heard from quite a few dashing, intelligent fellows that they have read - and enjoyed - the book.

9. Fill in the blank: People who enjoyed reading ______ will love The List.

Can I have some wishful thinking and say Janet Evanovich? One Amazon reviewer thought so. Another professional book reviewer compared me to Sophie Kinsella. I’ll take what I can get!

10. I like that you’re an avid traveler. Where do you want to visit next, so that future buyers of your book know what they’re funding?

Now THAT’s a long list! I’m heading to Amsterdam in the spring to see the tulips and windmills, then to Boston and Connecticut for a book fair (Connecticut Fiction Fest - come on out May 2) and then who knows? Unfortunately, the economy hit Mr. Right, so we’re being a little more money-conscious, but you can’t keep us down for long! I’d like to go to Moscow, Rio, Galapagos, Spain, London for the 2012 Olympics - I could go on and on!

11. Ever thought of penning some nonfiction on your travels?

See my answer to number 4. Even if I wrote a story of my travels that was nonfiction, no one would believe it wasn’t fiction. I can’t make this stuff up, but it does seem pretty out there. I’ll leave the travel anthologies to Bill Bryson, and stick with fiction (based on reality!)

12. Any new writing projects?

Honestly, I have been so busy pushing THE LIST that I haven’t had time to do much of anything else. I do have a day-job, and this is my moonlighting. However, I’ve had a few people start pestering me about another book, so I’ll have to start working on the travel comedy again soon. I also write journals about my travels on the side, so as you can see, I’ve got at least 3 jobs going!

13. Anything else you’d like to say?

I want to say thanks to you, Jessica, for giving me this forum. I’d also like to thank anyone who has - or will - take a chance on a book written by “some girl” who had a passion for the story. And if anyone would like to buy it, they can go here. It’s available in the Kindle 2.0 version as well (you’ll have to search by my name on Amazon to see it, though. The print version doesn’t link to the Kindle version *hint, hint, Amazon!).

Thanks, Carmen, and good luck with The List!

***

This post contributed to Thursday 13.

13… hours I’ve spent the past two days spent reading Twilight and New Moon

12… hours I’ll likely spend over next two days reading Eclipse and Breaking Dawn

11… dollars spent to acquire the book, Twilight

10… times my teenage niece asked me if I had read the book yet after I bought it

9… pages it took to get me hooked on the first book

8… times I thought to myself “Edward sounds dreamy”

7… times I’ve spotted missing quotation marks – who edited these books?

6… errands I blew off today to finish New Moon

5… times I exasperatedly thought “how could Bella have not yet figured out Jacob’s problem?” while reading New Moon

4… times I have eyed Eclipse, debating on whether or not to start reading it now or this evening

3… position on my Netflix queue for Twilight, even though the DVD won’t be out til the end of the month

2… other books I should be reading instead of these, Loving Frank for book club next week and Song of the Lark which is due back to the library

1… time I will read these books because while the story is quite intriguing, I daresay I won’t gain much more from a second reading.

So what about you? Have you fallen into the trap that is Twilight?

***

This post contributed to Thursday Thirteen.

Bromance?

What is a bromance exactly? It’s defined on Urban Dictionary as the complicated love and affection between two heterosexual men, but I think any tight relationship between men will also suffice, complications notwithstanding. I just finished watching Pineapple Express, and its reviews have had the term bromance thrown around a lot, so in honor of the amusement that is Pineapple Express, here’s 13 bromances (other lists of 13 here):

1. Pineapple Express – James Franco, guys, James Franco. I already liked him from his Harry Osbourne/Green Goblin stint but his role as the pot dealer who loves his bubby is not only utterly hilarious but an exact replica of my friend’s college boyfriend. Ah, memories.

2. Swingers – frankly, I hated this movie, except for the opening “Double Down” sequence, but I acknowledge that it belongs on a bromance list.

3. 25th Hour – I initially had Rounders on my bromance list but decided to replace it with 25th Hour since I can only put so many Edward Norton movies on one list. I view the bromance between Edward Norton and his two friends as an interesting take on the long term friendship, the equivalent of the college friends you always wondered about how/why they became friends only to discover that they met when they lived together in the dorms. There are certain things that bring people together, and it’s interesting to see them looking out for each other to the very end.

4. Top Gun – I know, I know, Take My Breath Away, Kelly McGillis, You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling… you’d think this was a regular ‘ol romance, but as Quentin Tarantino puts it so eloquently at the end of Sleep With Me, Top Gun is about the dudes.

5. Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle – Not only a movie about friendship between two guys, but Neil Patrick Harris at his finest. Also the only movie I’ve ever seen where two guys ride a cheetah.

6. Superbad – Here’s a bromance between two high school boys (and kind of between those two cops and McLovin) on a crazy adventure to bring alcohol to a party to impress two certain girls. I think this movie may have been too built up for me because I was expecting something much more spectacular than what I saw, though I admit to laughing at every scene involving McLovin and the “These Eyes” singing sequence (side story: I went to The Guess Who concert at Boomtown casino in New Orleans because my friend won tickets on a radio show that asked the question, “What is Homer Simpson’s middle name?” – it was my first trip to a casino and I won $75 on a slot machine). I just don’t feel the need to buy this movie and watch it over and over, which is my ultimate determination for what brings a movie from good to great.

7. City Slickers – This is a movie overflowing with bromance. Jack Palance and Billy Crystal, Billy Crystal and his friends, the ice cream guys, and, I don’t know, something about being out in the wild. Can you imagine the jokes if this movie had come out after Brokeback Mountain?

8. Flight of the Conchords – I know this isn’t a movie, but one can wish.

9. Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny – Total bromance, TOTAL BROMANCE. Also, a Guitarance, which is something that occurs daily in my house.

10. Several Will Ferrell flicks, in order of Most Bromantic to Least Bromantic: Stepbrothers, Night at the Roxbury, Talladega Nights, Anchorman, and Old School. And my most oft-quoted phrases from these movies, respective to the previous list: “fancy sauce”; “EMILIOOOOOOOOO!”; “Shake and bake!”; “I’m kind of a big deal”; “We’re going to Home Depot, maybe Bed Bath and Beyond.”

11. Tropic Thunder, and pretty much all other war movies – I find war movies all converge towards creating one big Bromance, because they’re often about the relationships between men that develop when they’re at war. A better example of a war movie bromance would probably have been Gallipoli with Mel Gibson and Mark Lee or the 1930 film, All Quiet on the Western Front. I choose Tropic Thunder mainly because it’s the latest one I’ve seen and (clearly) most ridiculous. I think the only other funny war movies I’ve seen are MASH and Life is Beautiful (really, how many war comedies are out there?).

12. Highlander: Endgame – yes, of course I have to include this movie. Duncan! Connor! Together! (For a while, sniff sniff.)

13. Hot Fuzz – So if you enjoyed Shaun of the Dead, you’ll probably like Hot Fuzz, a buddy cop film about a tough cop and a cop who emulates the heroes of Bad Boys II and Point Break. If that isn’t enough, they encounter strange things afoot in their little town and it turns out to be problems of the occult kind. ‘Nuff said.

So there’s my list. I considered adding The Hustler in place of one of the others because I just watched it the other night and after getting over the fact that Piper Laurie creeps me out as a young and beautiful drunk cripple as much as she creeps me out as an older Bible thumping freak mom in Carrie, I decided there was a lot to be said about Paul Newman’s relationship with his original partner in crime that he kicks to the curbside halfway through the movie. But it seemed just too ridiculous to have The Hustler on a list that also included Harold and Kumar, even for me…

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Every musician in the world seems to be a sucker for coming out with Christmas music, and I am the reason they keep doing it. There is nothing I love more than a cheesy Christmas album. I think Billy Mack in Love, Actually put it best when he said, “Wouldn’t it be great if number one this Christmas wasn’t some smug teenager but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price?”

My favorite of the Christmas covers is Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” I know it’s an absolutely ridiculous song, but how can you ignore The Boss when he is clearly getting down with “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good — SO YOU BETTER BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE!” Yes. This Christmas carol as sung by The Boss has transcended my usual “Fun Song to Listen To” category and moved directly into “Fun Song to Yell Along With” category. If it had the possibility of coming on the radio throughout the year, it might have made it to “Anthem” category.

On that note, here are 12 more Christmas songs I enjoy:

2. Frosty the Snowman by Harry Connick Jr. I pretty much think that Harry can do no wrong. He has the perfect voice. And when I hear him singing Frosty, I involuntarily start to dance (or shake my shoulders and nod my head while I sit. Is “shake my shoulders” the right way to say that? I don’t think so. But I know what I mean, and I hope you do too).

3. Little Drummer Boy by Lauryn Hill. I always liked the rather ominous feel that the original version has, and though this version runs a little too bow-chicka to be ominous, Lauryn Hill’s voice is so commanding, it still sounds good, especially in the repetition of rum-pum-pum-pum parts.

4. Ave Maria by Jewel. Does this song count as a Christmas song? Well, it’s on Jewel’s Christmas album and it is a good song, so I’m going with yes.

5. 12 Days of Christmas by John Denver and The Muppets. Fozzie. Miss Piggy. Aw. I love them.

6. Deck the Halls by Mannheim Steamroller. My favorite holiday tune ever. Period.

7. Blue Christmas by Elvis. I guess this one probably doesn’t count as a Christmas “cover” but what would a list of music be without Elvis?

8. Rocking Around the Christmas Tree by Miley Cyrus. Let’s get a few things straight: 1) I love the Brenda Lee version of this song. 2) I don’t like Miley Cyrus (I guess I shouldn’t say I don’t like her, but I don’t make a point of seeking out and listening to her music). But I like her new updated version of this Brenda lee classic, with the guitar strumming in the background. Her spunky voice is fun and she really does sound like she’s “rocking” around that Christmas tree.

9. Arbolito de Navidad by Gloria Estefan. I have no idea what they’re even saying in this song, but I like the music and she has a great voice.

10. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear by Johnny Cash. I don’t know why, but when I listen to him sing this song, I have the urge to watch Gone With the Wind. Anyone got an ideas on why this is?

11. O Come All Ye Faithful by Faith Hill. Faith Hill is one of those women who seem to lack faults. I hate her. But I like this song.

12. Everything by Alvin & The Chipmunks. I was initially going to write “The Chipmunk Song,” but that’s not really a cover, and everything else on their Christmas album is a cover, but I couldn’t really pick which of them was my favorite. I suppose if I had to, I’d pick Silver Bells, because that song is otherwise not on this list.

13. Everything by Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Does anybody else think these guys should have been some sort of demonic-ish hard rock band?

*BONUS song: Carol of the Bells. Also a very cool song. But I don’t know of any cool covers of it. I just enjoy the choral versions I hear.

I wrote this post yesterday in response to Beck’s post on Christmas music and when I went to get the link to it today, I saw she’d posted again today on Christmas music. Including Harry Connick Jr on her list, no less.

More lists of thirteen here.

I was tagged for this meme by Diapers and Dragons - 13 signs that you are a mom.

You know you’re a mom when…

1. You no longer think it’s irritating that people show off pictures of their kids. (Look! Look! They’re so cute, aren’t they!)

2. You bring a camera with you to take pictures of someone getting their hair cut. (Smile for mommy! Smile! Yes! That was perfect, could you cut his bangs again?)

3. You give your friends the arched eyebrow for cussing. (Dude, would you mind not talking like that when my kids are around?)

4. You start to sympathize with Halle Berry’s character in Losing Isaiah.

5. People assume you watch Oprah.

6. You know that mops are more than just a cleaning supply.

7. The phrase “I couldn’t get a babysitter” and “I just don’t want to pay for a babysitter” no longer sound like lame excuses.

8. A night out is a bottle of wine and reheated leftovers after the kids are in bed.

9. You suddenly develop a fear of hard candy, marbles, electric outlets, and cabinets without safety locks. (or is that just me and my paranoia?)

10. Your precious dog that you used to walk all the time and feed only the finest butcher cut steak is suddenly “We need to pick up Ol Roy for that dog tearing up the couch.”

Ol Roy? Oh, heeeeeeell no.

11. As you think back to the playgrounds of your youth, you CAN’T BELIEVE your parents let you play on those life-threatening things (The wooden swings with splinters? The hot metal slide that seared your flesh? Anyone?) AND without supervision!

12. Airplane rides. Whole new experience.

13. You know perfectly well that five minutes of silence is not a reason to relax.

Read other lists of thirteen here.

When I’m not reading or writing or dealing with anxious dogs and screaming children at the vet or contemplating liniment cake, THEN I sit down and watch TV. I hesitate to say I “watch TV” since I don’t get any channels, not even the most basic of basic channels – my TV doesn’t have an antenna. Thanks to the wonders of Netflix, though, I can still couch potato it like the rest of the world. I only lack knowledge of current commercials and really, what am I missing out on? Those dumb high fructose corn syrup commercials? No thanks.

So the last 13 things I watched on Netflix—

1. Tropic Thunder. I wasn’t sure what to expect from this movie, I’d heard both good and bad things. This is what you call an Equal Opportunity Offender. Jack Black was a bit disappointing in this movie, but Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Cruise were something else. Wow. So funny. And so wrong.

2. Get Smart. I used to love the TV show and thought Steve Carell made a good Max. I laughed aloud at a number of lines, especially the scene where The Rock staples a guy’s face for not following office policy on refilling paper at the printer. I fully believe The Rock would do that in real life.

3. Smallville Season 7. I’ve only watched the first half of this season so far. I have a Smallville addiction. Actually, I have a Superman addiction. I love watching his heroics. It’s something I picked up from my mom, who only likes watching action and fantasy (which is how I grew up watching the A-Team, Hawaii Five-O, and Clash of the Titans). Plus, Tom Welling is ridiculously good looking. He makes the show worth sitting through every agonizing scene with Lana “I look like a twelve year old and have had so many different personalities in one series I don’t know who I am anymore” Lang. Enough with the Lana. More Lois, I say, MORE LOIS!

4. Pride and Prejudice, the BBC series. I decided once and for all to watch this and compare it to my beloved movie. The TV did a better job with the book adaptation, but it’s much longer, so they had the room to do it. I preferred Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth as the main characters vs Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen. They looked more the way I imagined them to look from the book. I also think the younger sisters, Mr. Wickham, and Lady Catherine de Bourgh were better in the TV series. The TV Lydia was fantastically obnoxious. I preferred the movie Jane over the TV Jane as well as the movie Mr. and Mrs. Bennet, Mr. Bingley, and Caroline Bingley, even thought the TV series gave the Bingley’s more of a role. Above all, nothing tops Tom Hollander’s performance of Mr. Collins in the movie. Oh, I cringe just thinking of him. And in other news, I spent way too much time analyzing this.

5. Be Kind Rewind. I have no choice but to say this movie was not as funny as I expected it to be. Whose fault is that, do you think? They should never have advertised the movie with the Ghostbusters reenactment because that was by far the funniest part of the movie and you can only go downhill when you give us your best scenes in the preview. Props to the word “Sweded” though. And I heart Mos Def.

6. Entourage Season 4. I watch this show for three people: Johnny Drama, Ari Gold, and Lloyd. Why is E so annoying? Why!!!! And Billy, what’s with the attitude? You were funny for a while, but enough’s enough.

7. Garfield. Who believes that there is a veterinarian out there who dresses like Jennifer Love Hewitt?

8. SpongeBob Square Pants: The Movie. Obviously, I rented this for the kids. I have to admit, though, had I known that David Hasselhoff would be appearing as himself, I totally would have gone to the theatre.

9. The Savages. Look at me! I’m an independent movie! See the dysfunction? See the presence of Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman? See how I have the scenes set to music that is seemingly disconnected but muy, muy creative? Yes, I am an independent movie! Um… sorry. I actually rather enjoyed this movie. Compelling subject, good acting, good dialogue. And excellent Jimmy, the Nigerian nursing home employee. The movie just seemed to be trying a little too hard.

10. Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. I rented this and then Husband watched it while I wasn’t home and said he didn’t want to watch it again because it wasn’t that good. So I wound up returning this without watching it. How could it have possibly lived up to “Let’s burn it Pookie! Let’s burn this motherf*cker down!” anyway…

11. Sweeney Todd. I only watched the first half of this, and thought it was mesmerizing, especially “My Friends” and “Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir” but then I fell asleep and never got around to watching the second half and was antsy to get the next movie and really, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stomach any more throat slitting and blood spilling, so I’ll just buy the CD because the music was what I was really interested in.

12. We Are Marshall. Much like my feelings towards Superman, I am addicted to sports flicks, especially football (note my love for The Waterboy, The Replacements, The Longest Yard, Jerry Maguire, Invincible, even Necessary Roughness). We Are Marshall was heartfelt without being melodramatic, which is sometimes a problem with this kind of movie, but not exactly compelling either. I was glad to have seen it, but no need to see it again. And what was with Matthew McConaughey’s accent?

13. Flight of the Conchords Season 1. Abso-friggin-lutely Hilarious. HILARIOUS! Everyone should rent Flight of the Conchords. I watched so many of their songs on YouTube and worried the show wouldn’t live up, but it soooooo did. Jermaine’s David Bowie impersonation is out of control. I leave you with this, my favorite song:

More lists of thirteen here.

I attended my very first NHL game last night, the Anaheim Ducks vs. the San Jose Sharks. We had seats close enough to see the players’ faces get smashed against the plexi-glass (though, sadly, I never caught it on film).

I’m embarrassed to admit I never quite realized how violent hockey truly is. Yes, I’ve heard all the jokes, but really, I can’t believe that the refs just stand around and let the players duke it out. I saw more live fights in this one game than I have seen in the rest of my life combined.

Needless to say, I told Husband we should buy season passes.

There is a wonderful adrenaline rush that accompanies attendance at a hockey game. For those with aggression issues, hockey is a considerable outlet, because this is essentially what it’s like to go to a hockey game:

1. Sit down, make yourself comfy.
2. There’s a face against the glass! Cheer!
3. There’s a fight! Cheer louder!
4. Score! Cheer! (but not as loud as you would for a fight)
5. There’s a fight! Cheer some more!
6. Beer refill!
7. There’s a fight! Throw your own fist in the air!
8. Pee break!
9. There’s a fight! Shout out “This is awesome!”
10. The barely legal girls clean the ice in their revealing outfits! Wonder why this is necessary.
11. There’s another fight! Yeah!
12. More beer!
13. There’s a fight! Cheer until your voice goes hoarse!

Seriously, there’s something wrong with hockey players’ medulla oblongatas.

(The only picture of a fight that I caught on film can be seen in this post.)

I was at the grocery store and while checking out, “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” by Bryan Adams played on the overheard speaker. I walked out to my car, humming the tune inside my head and a few seconds later, another woman walked out, singing under her breath, “You know, you really loooooooooooooooove a woman…” and then a few seconds after her, two other women walked out, singing with each other, “You’ve got to give her some faith, hold her tight, and little TENderness! Gotta TREAT her right!” and I realized, wow, we are all afflicted with the same disease of not being able to break Bryan Adams from our psyche.

Any other songs treat you like that? Where you can’t get it out of your head? For good or bad? Here are 13 of mine. I guarantee you, I will rock out and sing along to each of these songs. For good or bad.

1.       Queen. I give a band name to number one, because it seemed silly to waste four slots on them: We Will Rock You, Bohemian Rhapsody, Another One Bites the Dust, the Highlander theme. Please note the omission of the song Fat Bottomed Girls which, if it wasn’t by Queen, I would really hate.

2.       Unbelievable by EMF. The things, you say, your purple prose just gives you away - you know you want to sing along. I’m embarrassed to admit this one because I didn’t even like this song when it came out. But the sound of it these days brings with it nostalgia. And I love nostalgia.

3.       Uptown Girl. I used to dance to this all the time when I was a kid.

4.       Car Wash (clap – clap – clap – clap clap clap clap) As soon as the clapping starts, I go into another zone. The groovin’ zone.

5.       Sweet Emotion. I used to call the classic rock radio station in New Orleans all the time and request this song. Husband and I played it as our bride and groom entrance song when we entered our wedding reception.

6.       Everyday People by Sly and the Family Stone. I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-am everyday people (bum, bum). I was kind of mad when Toyota started using this song in its commercials, but I could never change the station when it came on.

7.       You Really Got Me by either The Kinks or Van Halen. As soon as I hear that opening riff, I involuntarily scrunch up my nose, do air guitar, and start yelling.

8.       Born to be Wild by Steppenwolf. Lawyer Girl and I used to sing this aloud in the car for no reason whatsoever. One of us would just start and we’d continue on.

9.       Santa Claus is Coming to Town, as sung by The Boss. Seriously, this song does not get enough rock-out or hilarity credit. It’s best to be drunk when rocking out to this song. Because otherwise, you will have no excuse.

10.   I’ve already admitted to loving Blaze of Glory by Bon Jovi.

11.   Brass Monkey. There are actually a lot of Beastie Boys songs that make the cut. I went with this choice because it’s on every 80s Night playlist at dance clubs across the nation. I’ll pretty much go with everything on the Hello Nasty and Paul’s Boutique albums. The kids even like dancing to them.

12.   I Just Called to Say I Love You by Stevie Wonder. One day, due to a traffic detour, Lawyer Girl and I found ourselves driving through the neighborhoods off of Claiborne near I-10 and this song came on the radio, and we just sang along and shook our heads from side to side. We got a lot of weird looks that afternoon. Weird what memories stick.

13.   These Boots Are Made for Walking by Nancy Sinatra. And that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you (who’s air strumming the bass line now?)

So. What’s your song?

I spent Wednesday in and out of airports… still recuperating… maybe it’s the jet lag…

1. Wednesday morning, I arrived at the airport, where I went through the new family-designated boarding passholder checkpoint line. The guy told the kids that elves would check their luggage (as opposed to the X-ray machine) and then gave us smiley face stickers. The Boy walked away and gave me a knowing nod, then said, “I like that guy.’
2. We went to the McDonald’s at the airport and got Happy Meals because everyone in the House o’ Riley loves Star Wars and Mickey Dee’s is doing the Star Wars theme right now.
3. On an irrelevant note, what in the name of the Force led George Lucas to strike a deal with Pottery Barn?
4. So, Big Mac & Co gave the kids two different Happy Meal toys. This is a classic example of over-thinking how to please children. If you give them each the same toy, they’re happy. If you give them each a different toy, THEY WILL FIGHT OVER THE BETTER ONE. This happens to my friend every Christmas, who has two daughters and the family always gives the girls matching things (bags, sweaters, stuffed animals, etc) in two different colors. Of course they always fight over the pink one!
5. So the toys in question were the Anakin bobblehead – which has wheels and rolls around like a hot wheel – and the Darth Vader bobblehead, which is attached to a TIE fighter and has a noise button to press that makes shooting sounds and Vader-breathing sounds. Gee, I wonder which one they like – Anakin, AKA LOSER, or Vader with his sinister breathing and shooting. Oh, and yeah, I know they’re the same person, technically, but we all know technicalities only merit heeding when you’re playing cards against some jerkwad who can’t handle losing. I’m sorry, what was I talking about?
6. Oh yeah, Anakin is lame. Lame, lame, lame. In fact, that’s my new Riley-ism: Anakin means lame.
7. On another irrelevant note, I was at McDonald’s the week before last to pick up these bobbleheads and they gave us a Chewbacca and Leia and while I was handing the toy over the The Boy, I only saw the back of Chewie’s head, which just looked like a full head of brown hair, so I said, “Look it’s Obi Wan.” Later on, when I realized it was Chewie, I was very distraught that the employee at McD’s might have thought that I actually didn’t know which characters were which, and was very concerned.
8. Um, did you know I’m a Star Wars geek?
9. On that note, I wish George Lucas would approve a movie version that featured Mara Jade.
10. Back to my flight – we were all excited to fly because I had hyped the kids up with the pep talk “They have movie screens in their chairs for you!” Would you believe that we sat in the one aisle of seats on the whole damn plane where the volume didn’t work? They reset the TVs for us 3 times before I finally threw in the towel. It was a four hour flight (and that was just to get to my connection city).
11. Good thing I bought that dry erase board at Wal-Mart for one dollar. One sixth the cost of renting a kids movie on a Delta flight.
12. On the second flight, the kid sitting on the other side of the aisle from me randomly screamed out nonsensical words through the whole flight. Honestly, it didn’t bother me that much because I’m used to kids screaming and whatnot, but the woman in front of me was not cool with it, and kept muttering to her husband about how she doesn’t blame the kid because kids will be kids but parents should be able to “shut them the f*ck up.” At the very end of the flight, when we were finally getting up to leave, she yelled twice at the kid to “Shut up!” and “Enough already!” In the end, I think she was the more obnoxious of the two. Especially when she got up and I saw she was wearing a white shirt with lace trim on the sleeves and a black bra underneath. Sorry, but nothing says Anakin like a visible black bra underneath white clothing.
13. Trig Paxton Van Palin?

My best Princess Bride story is this:

I used to work with a guy, Mark*. Mark was a small Asian man who laughed exactly like Dr. Evil. He was awesome. And whenever he told us a story that he thought was funny, he would end it laughing like Dr. Evil, and regardless of whether or not the story was funny, it became funny at that moment.

So Mark is telling us this story about his friend who worked for a sporting goods store, like Sport Chalet, and the friend was working the register, and rang up some people purchasing ski gear that he had helped to pick out. After they walked away, Mark’s friend waved and said, “Have fun storming the castle!”

The people next in line gasped and said, “What did you just say!??!!”

And Mark’s friend said, “Have fun storming the castle? You know, Princess Bride?”

And the people said, “I thought you said, ‘Have fun skiing, you asshole.’”

Funny, yes?

Now imagine being told that story by a small Asian man who ended with, “And they said, (hand gesture for emphasis) ‘HAVE FUN SKIING, YOU ASSHOLE—BWAHAHAHA… BWAHAHAHA… BWAHAHAHA!!!!”

Yeah.

My friends are that ridiculous.

So. On to 13 other wonderful lines from The Princess Bride.

1. Ha! Your pig fiancé is too late!
2. In the meantime, rest well… and dream of large women.
3. You mean, you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down my sword, and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people?
4. I could give you my word as a Spaniard!
5. Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
6. He is very very short on… Charm!
7. Oh, you mean this gate key.
8. The Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of PU-TRESCENCE!
9. True love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce, and tomato? Where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe… they’re so perky, I love that.
10. Well, I’m not saying I’d like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.
11. Whoo hoo, look who knows so much!
12. Because iocaine comes from Australia!
13. You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.

Clearly, I left out some obvious ones. Go ahead, tell me yours…

(*names have been changed to protect the ridiculous, BWAHAHAHA!)