All Rileyed Up

There are scads of surveys that show 86 percent* of drivers are doing things other than paying attention to the road – playing crossword puzzles (what’s an 8 letter word for ‘oh shit’?**), reading the newspaper, fidgeting with the radio/CD player/IPOD, and the favorite of the country, though only described as being a ‘California’ thing – talking on a cell phone. I assure you, I don’t fall into any of these categories. However, I must admit, that there are some times when I am not paying attention to the road. For instance, last week, I was on the freeway, and I pulled out my camera and take a picture of this while I was driving:

Yes, it’s true. I take pictures of giant breast-like buildings when I should be paying attention to the road.

I give you the SAN ONOFRE POWER PLANT, also known as the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station, AKA SONGS. Yeah, you read that right: nuclear power plant, down the road, looks like a bodacious pair of tatas. Like the Bionic Woman and the 50 Foot Woman were spliced together to create this Mega Woman and she had a brain defect a la Frankenstein and the military had to destroy her and she fell at San Onofre and all that was left of her was her metallic boobs (did I mention they blink red at night). WHO DESIGNED THIS MONSTROSITY? Dr. 90210? I could totally see him lamenting the fall of Mega Woman in the finale of some campy 70s movie, with helicopters whizzing around. Oh, the whore, the whore.

And what’s with the name? SONGS. Don’t you love it when acronyms masquerade as euphemisms? I can just imagine the Mr. Burns of San Onofre standing around saying “How do we make it sound wonderful and happy?” and then the Smithers guy perhaps breaks out into a song and dance number like in West Side Story when Tony starts to sing, “Could it BE? Yes it COULD! Something’s coming! Something GOOD!” and then the Mr. Burns snaps his finger and says, ‘That’s it! We’ll call it SONGS! Eeeeeexcellent.”

I, for one, am feeling a little miffed, a little shortchanged. If they’re going to call the plant SONGS, they could at least provide us with a CD—you know, of the popular songs inspired by or brought to us by the San Onofre bozangas. Some possible choices:

1. “Surfin’ USA”

Seeing as the song actually references San Onofre:

“San Onofre and Sunset,
Redondo Beach, LA
All over La Jolla
At Waimea Bay
Everybody’s gone surfin’
Surfin’ U.S.A”

Because everyone wants to go surfing there now that they can get cancer (okay, fine, I have no substantial evidence to back up that comment, but my friend’s 20 something year old cousin died of cancer and he surfed at that Old Man’s EVERY DAY, which is next to San Onofre).

Just Another Day at the Beach

2. “My Hump” Black Eyed Peas

“What you gon’ do wit all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?”

…Make nuclear power, of course.

3. “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”

…with nuclear power, that is.

4. “Where the Streets Have No Name”

…because they’ve been melted away by a nuclear accident.

5. “Do the Radioactive” by Radioactive Man

I assume this selection requires no further explanation?

6. “I’d Like to Buy the World a Coke”

…to give them a glimpse of how radioactive tastes.

7. “Pollution” by Tom Lehrer

Tom was so very, very funny
(Click on pollution.wav)

8. “Weird Science” by Oingo Boingo

Anything bigger than a handful, you’re risking a sprained thumb.

And the final selection–

9. “Eve of Destruction”

An oldie and a goodie:

“But you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
Ah, you don’t believe
We’re on the eve
of destruction.”

Sorry, no joke on that one…

For the love of bleached blonde hair, it’s a nuclear power plant and it looks like a ginormous pair of boobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*43 % of all statistics are made up on the spot.
**A-C-C-I-D-E-N-T