All Rileyed Up

A new law went into effect here in California that has made it illegal to drive while talking on your handheld cell phone. As much as I hate laws that infringe on my right to make decisions for myself, I’m not too mad about this one. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people who talk on their phone while driving (though my number one driving irritant is traffic caused by drivers who slow down to look at an accident on the opposite side of the freeway).

So. To all you cell phone users who are wondering what the heck you’re supposed to do now that you can’t talk on your phone, consider these options:

1. Blinkers. This is what you turn on when you want to move to the right or to the left, instead of just darting over while continuing your phone conversation uninterrupted.
2. Here’s a mind-blower: ten o’clock AND two o’clock. That’s right. You can put both of your hands on the steering wheel now, making that three point turn exactly that.
3. Look at the people in the In-n-Out drive-thru. That’s right—those are people, not mechanical hands. And they’re smiling at you. Now you can smile back, and hey, maybe you can even say thank you.
4. Hey look, there’s your exit! You spotted it a half mile ahead of time and got over appropriately. You DIDN’T have to cut across three lanes to barely make it. Way to go.
5. Hear that? It’s not your friend talking about her mother in law. It’s an ambulance. Stop moving. Pat yourself on the back. You’re now a conscientious driver.
6. Four way stop. Guess who knows who got there first – YOU do, because you weren’t talking.
7. Music. Play your Celine Dion. Loud as you want. Sing along with it. EVERYONE IS WATCHING.
8. Look at the woman waiting to walk on the crosswalk. Look at her cross the street. And look at you, not accidentally running her over because you were too busy talking. Nicely done. Go ahead and treat yourself to making fun of her outfit –does she really think she looks good with those shoes?
9. Merging. This goes to all drivers, not just those on cell phones. Repeat after me: You Go. I Go. You Go. I Go. NOT “I know I can slide in there” and NOT “let’s not let anyone in front of me.”
10. Your kids. They’re in the car with you. Talk to them. Play games with them. They’ll like it. And when they go to school, they’ll say to their teacher, “My mom and I sang Wheels on the Bus” instead of “What’s PMS? My mom told Aunt Susie you have a permanent case of it.”
11. Coffee. When you want to take a sip of your coffee, you can keep one hand on the steering wheel, which means you 1) won’t spill it and 2) you won’t veer into another lane. Isn’t this much better than driving with your knees while talking on the phone and drinking your latte and showing up at work with a brown stain on your thigh?
12. Stick shift. Remember how you always said ‘I can’t drive a stick?’ Now you can. All it really took was a bit more concentration.
13. By the way, that conversation you missed? It wasn’t that important. But if you really think it was, there’s always Bluetooth.