All Rileyed Up

Gentlemen readers, the post ahead involves lady time. Be warned. And share it with your wife or girlfriend, if you’re so inclined. As for the ladies in the house, this post is about the visit from Aunt Flow, or as Alicia Silverstone immortally uttered in Clueless, “I was surfing the crimson wave.”

I don’t know about you, but I used to read YM magazine when I was a young miss/young and modern/what have you and it was my ultimate nightmare that I would experience an incident that could make it into their embarrassing moments column that involved the arrival of that time of the month at what can only be described as “not supposed to be that time of the month.”

Then, I did experience one of those allegedly ultimate embarrassing high school moments where my period arrived in the middle of class and when I got up from my desk, I realized it. Fortunately, nobody noticed but me, which just goes to show that the red avenger is NOT always out to get you. (On another note, I did make it into the embarrassing moments column of YM, but that story involved Halloween, a man dressed up as a very realistic scarecrow, and an inappropriate gesture).

Most of my readers are mothers, and many of you probably recognize this time of the month as the reason you don’t do anything one week a month. Why? Because it’s heavy, it’s painful, you cramp a lot, you’re irritable, you’re bloated… etc. etc. The list goes on. In fact, according Healthy Women, 68% of women feel like their periods control them.

NOT COOL.

I don’t know about you, but I say we take back control of our lives. Healthy Women found that 75% of women with uncomfortable periods don’t even mention it to their OB/GYN, but than oftentimes, when they did, they found treatment options more comfortable than spending a portion of time every month wishing that an axe was handy.

If you’re part of that 75%, you might head on over to Healthy Women and see what they’ve got to tell you. You’ll be loading up on Vitamin B in no time.

Some additional links that might be of use:

Healthy Women Q&A One

Healthy Women Q&A Two

***
By the way, I wrote this review while participating in a blog tour campaign by Mom Central Consulting on behalf of Ferring Pharmaceuticals and received a promotional item to facilitate my review. But you should seriously check them out.

Happy New Year to everyone! I’m looking forward to 2010, as 2009 was a very long year for me. I considered writing some sappy reflection on the past year, but lucky for all of us, I didn’t have the time. Instead, please enjoy my reflections on the year, courtesy of words that ought to be banned.

shovel-ready, as in “In 2009, I never once heard this term. I guess nothing in California is shovel-ready.”

unfriended, as in “If you unfriended me in 2009, I wouldn’t know because I don’t care enough to check. But in 2010, you better watch it — I’ll stalk you if you dare unfriend me.”

stimulus, as in “If you added together all the times the word stimulus was uttered negatively by Glenn Beck and positively by Rachel Maddow in 2009, who would win? (And more importantly, what would they win?)”

Obamacare and Obamanomics, as in “See above.”

sexting, as in “In 2009, I learned that sexting is only a pleasurable experience when it involves high profile celebrities that you can blackmail, sue, or at the very least, publicly humiliate.”

tweeting, retweeting and tweetaholics, as in “I still haven’t gotten the hang of Twitter.”

bromance, as in “Hey, what’s wrong with bromance?”

teachable moment, as in “2009 was one big teachable moment for me, or as the phrase was previously known, life.”

chillax, as in “Dude, chillax, all I said was sexting would be cool if it involved a public figure. You don’t need to turn this into some teachable moment and unfriend me and all that.”

transparently and toxic assets, as in “I don’t know how anyone takes the word assets seriously anyway. Combining it with toxic was transparently someone’s lead-in to the world’s biggest butt joke.”

too big to fail, as in “Nothing is too big to fail. Not even someone’s toxic assets.”

app, as in “I wish they had an app to friend me with a public figure whom I could involve with a little sexting and then blackmail for money. Hopefully, he would later view the experience as a teachable moment.”

in these economic times, as in “For those of you disappointed in ths post, all I can say is that in these economic times, I have to work with the material given.”

Onward, 2010!

We go to Chili’s. We get a balloon. Little No Limit is overjoyed. As we walk to the car, she accidentally lets go. Oh, the tears. “My ballooooooooooonnnnn…” So long, balloon, and thanks for all the laughs.

We go to Chili’s. We get a balloon. We tie it to her! She names the balloon Bernie. We go to Target. The tie comes undone while we are walking around and the balloon is just too high to even jump up and get. I’d have to climb a shelf, and I just don’t think they’re sturdy enough for me to do that. Oh, the tears. “My ballooooooooooonnnnn…” echoes through the toy aisle. So long, balloon, and thanks for all the laughs.

We go to Chili’s. We get a balloon. We tie it to her, double knots! She names the balloon Bernie. We go to Target. She happily introduces “Bernie” to the toys in the toy aisle. One of the toys apparently doesn’t like Bernie. POP! Oh, the tears. “Beeeerrrrrnnnniiieeee…” So long, balloon, and thanks for all the laughs.

We go to Chili’s. We get a balloon. We tie it to her, double knots! We don’t go to Target! We go to OSH because I had promised the kids a new plant because their Venus Flytraps died. They chose cactus plants. Did I just admit to buying a cactus when she had a balloon? Yes, I did. I suppose I deserved what happened next… Oh, the tears. “The cactus killed my balloooooooonnnn…” So long, balloon, and thanks for all the laughs.

Why do I continue to get the balloon? It’s like Dubya said,

“Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”

Green Works – It Works

I recently sampled Clorox Green works laundry detergent and spray on stain remover on behalf of MomCentral. It smells delightful and cleans everything I throw at it, including but not limited to, mud, grass, spaghetti sauce, markers, hard candy bits, a mushed piece of something that may or may have not been on the foor, something green that may or may not have come out of someone’s nose, all variety of juices, and oh, whatever else exists in this world that has color. Can you tell I have children in the house?

Here is my latest tale of laundry woe:

Yesterday at school, the children put on a dance performance. School ended at 3pm, then they were going to have a pizza and fruit punch party and play around until the actual performance, which took place at 6pm.

The requested outfits of all students were a white shirt and blue jeans.

So, to be clear: white shirt and blue jeans AND pizza party and red fruit punch.

The teachers were wise enough to add to the notice – do not send your child to school DRESSED for the show, just put the white shirt in their backpack.

The Boy and Little No Limit were among the lucky few (and by few, I mean half), who had spots of red fruit punch and other such stains on their clothes, which made me very happy that I packed their brand new white shirts in their backpacks. I specify they were brand new because the only kinds of white clothing we own are brand new. White doesn’t last very long in our house.

So we got them dressed up in their dazzling white shirts, they did they dance thing (sooooo cute, but my Flip decided to freeze up so I couldn’t tape it. Soooooo lame).

After the dance, the kids were rewarded with a piece of chocolate cake.

And now, I have no brand new white shirts.

Ah, children. They should spend their allowance buying stock in Green Works.

***

I wrote this review while participating in a blog tour campaign by Mom Central on behalf of Clorox Green Works and received a bottle of Green Works Natural Detergent and Stain Remover to facilitate my review and a $20 thank-you gift certificate.

I’m taking a class right now on literacy instruction and the last discussion question requested we write a song/make up a poem/create a collage that indicated what we’d learned about literacy and some of our thoughts on it. I wrote new lyrics to the tune of It’s the End of the World as We Know It by REM because let’s face it, no one ever knew the lyrics to that song anyways (except “Leonard Bernstein!”). I included the video for you to press play so you could follow the lyrics along with the song (plus, it IS a good song…)

“The Whole World’s A Good Book, Let’s All Read It”

Reading, it starts with the parents, kids, and time for storylines
Twenty minutes every day.
Then the kids come to school, listen to their teacher
Who meets the kids’ needs, individual and group needs,
Checking on their phonics, spell this, rhyme that,
Also check on fluency, reading words, sight words,
On to work on comprehension where it helps to know
that having any background knowledge means so much.
If that isn’t coming in a hurry don’t get worried, you can build - it - up.
Team by team the readers read aloud and discuss.
Look at them analyze!
Fine, then,
Uh oh, student’s slow,
regulation for the group, this we’ll do:
modify! modify!
School serves the kids’ needs,
Wanting to see them succeed
Tell me ‘bout the teacher and the students they did right — right.

It’s academic, episodic, teach, read, read, teach,
feeling… pretty… bright.

The whole world’s a good book, let’s all read it.
The whole world’s a good book, let’s all read it.
The whole world’s a good book, let’s all read it.
Now start page one.

All o’clocks – reading hour, time to increase reading power!
Your turn, their turn, now let’s check what students learned.
Teaching by modeling and scaffolding, writing time.
Don’t forget to escalate when you take the tests from State!
Teach them science, social studies
Background, background,
Don’t be in a rush, rush.
Uh oh, this means wait time – give them time, question them and steer clear!
A student needs, a student needs, a student needs your faith!
Offer them solutions, offer them alternatives for them to read!

The whole world’s a good book, let’s all read it.
The whole world’s a good book, let’s all read it.
The whole world’s a good book, let’s all read it.
We’re half way through.

(repeat)

If you asked me what I thought of literacy I would say,
Reach them while they’re young,
Expand knowledge,
Always keep an open mind, kids are kids, you’ll need patience.
Draw them in with real life connections, boom!

It’s academic, episodic, teach, read, write — right? Right.

The whole world’s a good book, let’s all read it.
The whole world’s a good book, let’s all read it.
The whole world’s a good book, let’s all read it.
We’ve reached the end.

Four months ago…
I moved to a completely new area.
I got a job in a completely new field.
I went back to school for a completely new degree.

Four months ago…
I had a big transition.
Well, I had three big transitions.
And I had a family going through similar transitions.

Four months ago…
I had things I no longer have now.
I didn’t have things I do have now.

Four months ago…
everything was unclear, and I didn’t like it.

That was four months ago.

Now…

Now is different.
It’s a time for meeting other people’s needs.
And I have met so many people whose lives are so different from mine in ways I never considered.

Now, many things from four months ago are much clearer to me. And better.
Things weren’t so bad after all.
Now, I feel very lucky.

And tomorrow?

Well, to quote another drama queen,

Tomorrow is another day!

My nephew drew this. My brother sent it to me with the remark, “Too many Tim Burton films?”

You be the judge.

*This picture also submitted to Magic Marker Monday at 5 Minutes for Special Needs.

The Plan for the Weekend:

Drive to Orange County on Saturday. See family and friends. Spend night at friend’s house. Attend baby shower on Sunday. Enjoy food and conversation at restaurant. Drive home.

The Reality:

It’s never good when your car starts to sound like a lawnmower, I suppose. It also isn’t comforting when the speedometer swings back and forth between 0 and 120 like it’s been possessed. Least exciting of all is when these two things happen simultaneously and you are precisely halfway between home and your destination with no friends or family nearby, nor anything besides a stretch of interstate going through the heart of California ag country (ie, middle of nowhere).

I called AAA for a tow which cost me $4 a mile after the first seven miles, and when your starting point is BFE, you go well over that free seven miles (to the tune of $84 – that’ll teach me for not buying the premier membership).

After dropping my car off, I went to the airport where the only open car rental places in Bakersfield were located. They refused to rent a car to me. I didn’t have a major credit card. I had a credit/debit card. Using a debit/credit card required an additional $200-400 deposit (depending on the car rental place), but that money wasn’t on the card because it was in my wallet. Did that help? No. You remember that old song by Wu Tang Clan where they say “cash rules everything around me”? Well, I don’t think car rental places thought much of those lyrics. Three separate car rental places told me they didn’t accept or handle cash. I had two people (husband, mother in law) willing to give their credit card over the phone and receive and sign and fax back an agreement to them, but no, that’s not acceptable either. Talk about uber-lame.

The tow guy gave me a ride to a hotel which had no problem using my debit card and I suddenly found myself with a free night to myself. Hey, a silver lining! I was looking for that! I spent my free-for-a-night evening vegging out and watching The Express and Sex in the City on HBO. I also discovered a TV show on MTV called America’s Best Dance Crew hosted by the guy on Saved By the Bell (the one whose character dated the girl who went on to star in Showgirls) which was entertaining for about 15 minutes before I got irritated by all the commercials.

This morning, I woke up, enjoyed my free breakfast, went swimming, and watched a lot of CNN talk about health care coverage – can I just say that I love James Carville and Mary Matalin?

Husband and the kids drove 3 hours to pick me up and when we neared home, the kids asked to go to the movies, and I thought to myself, why not. Guess what we saw? G-Force. Guess what else? I laughed. On a weekend like this one, you have to take the laughs that come to you.

Funnier than you’d expect. Assuming you expected it to be stupid.

Did you ever get into a lull where you hadn’t posted for a while and then when you tried to get back into your posting habits you felt compelled to write something of substance, a decision that ultimately resulted in prolonging your ability to post something because nothing you wrote was good enough to be that oh-so-special return post, and then you had to tell yourself to quit overthinking things and just write whatever the hell you wanted because it’s your blog and you do what you want and how much substance went into your old posts anyway?

That dilemma – in addition to moving and organizing the new home, repairing the new home (rather, watching Husband repair things), preparing for my new job, studying for the CSET, dealing with the financial aid office of my college, having both kids home all day long with no new acquaintances out here yet for them to play with, figuring out the new juicer, and considering adding sit ups to my nonexistent exercise regimen – has been occupying my thoughts and time.

It’s certainly those things conflicting with my ability to write and concentrate and not the fact that I have TV again. Oh yeah. Husband signed us up when he hooked up our phone. It has led to me watching lots of silly things which is exactly what I promised myself I wouldn’t do. Among the less silly things I’ve watched was Highlander the original movie. Oh wait, did I say less silly? I don’t deny I enjoyed this movie quite a bit, though I favor the TV series more, but I must point out a ridiculous scene that in addition to pushing the limits of my suspension of disbelief (in a movie that, let’s face it, requires a good suspension of disbelief) indicates what the 80s man considered ideal in an 80s woman: if a man puts a knife in your hands then stabs himself with it while your hands are still on the handle then appears to die then stands back up and explains that he is immortal and cannot die, your reaction would just NOT be to start making out with him. It just wouldn’t.

And now for something completely different: the deer here have a death wish. I swear, I have slammed on my brakes more times in the past three weeks to keep from hitting a deer than I have in the entire rest of my life. Of course, that latter number is zero, so any number would have beaten it. Regardless, the deer here have a death wish. GET OFF THE ROAD!

You talkin’ to me?

Congrats to Robin, commenter #2, who won the giveaway. If you didn’t win the giveaway, you can still take advantage of this discount:

Purchase a 4-pack of tickets for only $44 by logging onto Ticketmaster.com or by calling 1-800-745-3000 and entering the coupon code: MOM. Enter code in the “MC Promotion Box” on Ticketmaster. Minimum purchase of 4 tickets required; additional tickets above 4 can be purchased at $11 each. Not valid on VIP, Front Row and Circus Celebrity seats or combinable with other offers. Service charge, facility fee and handling fees may apply.

Show Dates:

Los Angeles
July 8: 7:30pm
July 9: 7:30pm
July 10: 12:00pm, 7:30pm
July 11: 11:30am, 3:30pm, 7:30pm
July 12: 11:30am, 3:30pm, 7:30pm

Anaheim
July 15: 7:30pm
July 16: 1:00pm, 7:30pm
July 17: 10:30am, 7:30pm
July 18: 11:30am, 3:30pm, 7:30pm
July 19: 1:30pm, 5:30pm
July 20: 1:00pm
July 21: 7:30pm
July 22: 1:00pm, 7:30pm
July 23: 10:30am, 7:30pm
July 24: 1:00pm, 7:30pm
July 25: 11:30am, 3:30pm, 7:30pm
July 26: 1:30pm, 5:30pm

Ontario
July 29: 7:30pm
July 30: 7:30pm
July 31: 7:30pm
Aug. 1: 11:30am, 3:30pm, 7:30pm
Aug. 2: 11:30am, 3:30pm, 7:30pm