All Rileyed Up

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A repost in remembrance of the Notorious F.O.X.–

You might have heard any of these remarks over the course of my visit with the vet today:

1. Looks like Riley is headed for the vet’s office with both dogs and both kids. She’s overdue for that rabies vac. I’m thinking she might run into some trouble if any dogs show up from opposing teams.

2. Then we’re definitely in for some excitement. Not only are there two poodles in the waiting room, there’s two more jumped up dogs lingering around the exam rooms! I predict lots of barking in the near future.

3. Just listen to all that noise in the lobby! Those dogs are going wild!

4. Heh, heh, those aren’t just dogs. It seems Little No Limit wants to eat the dog biscuits. Kind of reminds me of that water bowl incident of 2005.

5. What’s that they’re saying to Riley? Two emergencies are taking up all the exam rooms? Looks like more time on the bench

6. Uh oh, some bad news coming for Riley. Notorious F.O.X. might have ringworm! That does explain that thing on Riley’s neck that she thought was a pimple that wasn’t going away.

7. Okay, things are looking better. Her Name is Rio is finishing off her visit. Nothing wrong with her but a little tartar on the teeth, which comes as no shock to Riley who doesn’t even own a dog toothbrush.

8. Heck, she doesn’t even enforce daily tooth brushing with her kids. Nobody’s thinking she’s brushing the dog’s teeth.

9. Hey, looks like the office is presenting her with a bill for $282. 75. Riley does not look happy. I hope she knows that next week, she’s going to get hit with late fees on those dog license renewals.

10. That’ll teach her to procrastinate. Things are wrapping up now. Another typical visit to the vet for Riley–wait… wait… what’s going on here? The Boy is throwing Riley for a loop! What’s that he’s saying? Potty? How is she going to manage this one? She can’t bring Notorious F.O.X. back into the office because she has ringworm, but she can’t leave the dogs outside either! This could be good.

11. I don’t believe it. She is telling The Boy to wait and he couldn’t be more angry! I have seen it all!

12. Actually, no. The vet office has offered to hold the dogs outside while Riley takes The Boy in. What a lucky break.

13. I tell you what – this has been one eventful trip to the vet. Riley got thrown a ton of curve balls, and she still came out calm enough that when she left, the vet assistant said, “You are so patient. I mean that. In fact, you’re my idol.”

And that’s the game.

Are you nodding your head along now and jamming out, having read the title of this post? If I even hear the word “sign,” that song starts to play itself in some part of my brain. Hence, I had the urge (and followed through to) Google the video by Tesla after reviewing the website Safety Sign.

The good people of Safety Sign can help you out with all your Traffic Signs, wash your hands signs, no parking zone signs, and all that good stuff. Seriously. I often wondered where you could get custom-made signs, like the sign at Six Flags on the bridge standing over the giant splash ride that says, “If you stand on this bridge, you will get wet!” Kidding aside, my school alone actually has and uses all of the signs featured on their homepage. Last year alone, my school had need to order new restroom signs for three different restroom facilities, a Caution: Slippery When Wet floor stand for when we have to mop up a spill, and three Handicapped parking spot signs. Our school was, needless to say, going through some renovations. In fact, Husband and I wound up taking home the wood that was torn out of the building because he uses so much reclaimed wood in his work projects. We’ve been joking that he ought to have his own sign that says “Will Take Your Wood.”

I live in a rural area, and we’re pretty low on Street Signs. Giving direction is like sending people on a short tour of the natural wonders of the area — turn left at the big rock, go right when you see the red mailbox, if you pass the oak tree that got struck by lightning, you need to make a U-turn because you went too far. Really, a couple street signs would come in handy. Of course, we’d probably need about four street signs per location because every road has about three different names. In fact, I read an article not too long ago that California is notorious for having too many honorary street names that few people even know about, in favor of referring to the various thoroughfares by their highway or interstate number. We’ve also been looking to get a sign that explains that used toilet paper needs to be flushed down the toilet. Believe it or not, younger students struggle with this action.

While browsing around their Road Signs, I noticed their evacuation route signs. It’s important to have good evacuation route signs. In Dana Point, California, they have Tsunami evacuation route signs, and one of my favorites is the one next to the beach with the arrow pointing in the opposite direction. Duh.

**This post inspired by Safety Signs. And Tesla. Who were originally inspired by Five Man Electrical Band.

So I know it may be April, but it’s never too late to start planning for Halloween! I also happen to be surrounded by students dressing up in Brazilian Carnival themed outsides for an upcoming variety show (feathers, lots and lots of feathers), so maybe costumes are on my mind. Here are a few suggestions culled from the Ghost of Halloween Past.

My friend J and I went as spring holidays one year, she the Easter Bunny and I, a leprechaun. These Halloween costumes could also work as the Trix bunny and the Lucky Charms guy, but we didn’t get around to buying the cereal boxes, so we just stuck to the holidays.

Easter Bunny costume: bunny ears, whiskers painted on, a white springy dress, with a pastel pink shirt beneath it, and she carried around an easter basket filled with carrots (easter eggs would have been better, but we didn’t have any).

Leprechaun: I wore a big green hat, a green suit (that I already owned, thank you), which I cuffed below my knees. I added a pair of white knee high socks and big black shoes (Mary Jane Doc Martens—clearly, a grunge Leprechaun). On my shoes, I taped gold paper with gold glitter glued to it (say that five times fast). On my face, I painted a shamrock and I wore a lovely green eyeliner from Sephora that I highly recommend even when it’s not Halloween. I had originally intended to carry around a pot of gold chocolate coins, but I didn’t get around to stopping by the store, so then I was going to paint a rainbow and a pot of gold on my other cheek, but after my attempt with the shamrock, J and I agreed it was best to let the face painting go.

It reminded me of the time when I was Pocahontas at a birthday party and the parents had a face painting kit. Now, I didn’t know how to face paint then either, but I figured, how hard can it be? Heh. One kid wanted to be a shark, so I dabbed the gray coloring and went to work. My finished product looked more like a gravestone than a shark. So I added a dash of red to it and told him the shark had just eaten fresh kill so there was blood on his mouth. His reaction? “Cool!” Then EVERY kid wanted the bloody mouth shark on their face. Oh yeah. I was a real hit with the parents at that party.

But back to my Saturday night party tomfoolery (ballyhoo! Irish words! Yea!).

I’d have to say, the luck o’ the Irish was certainly with me that night. First, there was the good doctor (he wore an operating smock with the words “Dr. Feel Good” written on the back). He ‘accidentally’ fell on me while I was sitting on the couch and spilled a drink on my left leg. If I had brought a shillelagh, I’d have hit him with it.

Then there was the girl wearing my award for Most Clever Costume—Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Rain (she had on a blue shirt with cottons balls glued to it and carried around a spritzer bottle that said ‘rain’ – her husband wore a poncho and one of those umbrella hats). She spilled a good ¾ of her drink on my right leg a few minutes after Dr. Feel Good didn’t feel so good. In addition to the drink spillage, I also managed to get a Velveeta-y concoction on the lapel of my jacket. Perhaps I was channeling my child’s approach to food and revelry?

Other notable Halloween costumes included the hostess of the party who dressed up as SuperGirl but thought she was Wonder Woman. Her husband was dressed as Batman and his shenanigans at the party would have made an excellent home movie called “Batman does the Grind.”

A couple showed up as Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife, Beth. Unfortunately, I asked if they were supposed to be Anna Nicole Smith and Ted Nugent. I don’t know, I’ve never seen that Bounty Hunter show, and they’re all a bunch of so 5 years ago. I hope they weren’t insulted. And, as with all parties, there’s always someone who shows up in the Creative Political Costume. This year being an election year ought to make for some fine artistry.

The winner for the weirdest costumes choice of the night, however, goes to Batman’s father, who was dressed as an angel. Gold dress, wings, blonde wig with a halo. Yes, nice angel costume. But then, for reasons unbeknownst to anyone, he pulled a stocking over his face, cut out the eye and mouth holes, and then painted BRIGHT RED lipstick on his mouth over the stocking. This resulted in him looking like Leatherface dressed as an angel. I don’t know what this means. I just know, I’m a scared of it, and it takes a lot to scare a Leprechaun.

**This post co-inspired by a visit to Halloweenmart.com SO can’t wait for October!

Currently, at my school, our union has been negotiating our health benefits. They offer us health insurance and cover a very healthy portion of my health insurance costs, but of course, I still have to pay some monthly out of pocket, not to mention I’m on an 80/20 plan so whenever I go somewhere, I have to pay again. Along with co-pays.

I imagine I must be somewhat lucky, though, because I’m still of a relatively young age, and my family is healthy. I remember my friend telling me that her parents were paying thousands for just the two of them, every month. On About.com, you can find, well, just about anything. Among those many “anythings” is information on senior health insurance.

First off, the website has quotes for insurance. This probably goes without saying. The site also offers gap coverage to help you with things like deductibles and co-pays. Really, if you make monthly visits to the doctor, those $25-35 co-pays do add up.

And because I like videos, here’s a fun video they posted. So, if you’re in need of senior health insurance, go check it out!

This post brought to you by – you guessed it – Medicare Supplemental Insurance.

One, lots of people have read the Hunger Games and will willingly discuss whether or not Peeta is attractive with a total stranger. I mean, I think he’s a total hottie as well, but I don’t know about pouring out my thoughts on this to a total stranger (as I blog about it).

The prices in the airport are no longer the target of my outrage over overpriced items. They have been replaced by the gas station.

If you needed to be somewhere by 5:30pm, you should have left the day to account for weather delays. Especially when you’re me, since I attract flight problems like Katniss attracts Peeta.

Every newspaper is talking about “SANTORUM EXITS THE RACE.” Surprisingly, none of the captions say, “We’re still scratching our heads as to why he was a contender in the first place…”

The airport bar buys its aluminum foil and wax sheets and supplies, et. al. from Smart n’ Final. Ain’t nothing funny about that. Just an observation.

Time of day is irrelevant in the airport bar.

The Road was a depressing book choice for a long layover.

More to come…

I have a book review up over at Literary Mama. Here’s an excerpt:

Turkish author Elif Shafak long espoused the motto: “dreams first, family later… maybe,” and her memoir, Black Milk: On Writing, Motherhood, and the Harem Within traces her fraught journey from writer to mother to mother-writer. Early in her memoir, Shafak asks readers a question once posed to her: “Do you think a woman could manage motherhood and a career at the same time and equally well?” For many years, Shafak’s answer to this question was no. As a successful author and self-proclaimed nomad, Shafak wandered the world, writing and publishing in her beloved Istanbul, in the US and in Europe. But her decision to postpone motherhood and wholeheartedly pursue a career was not without inner turmoil.

Also at Literary Mama, an author interview and novel giveaway. An excerpt from the interview:

What is the highest compliment you can imagine receiving from a reader of your book?

For so long, I shared my writing with only a handful of people. Since the book came out, I’ve been overwhelmed by the kindness of readers. Many have taken the time to not only read the book but to write or tell me what it meant to them. That, to me, is the highest compliment. To know that it touched someone, that they connected with it, were moved by it, stayed up late reading it, reconsidered some aspect of their own lives because of it…now I’m the one with tears in my eyes.

Gentlemen readers, the post ahead involves lady time. Be warned. And share it with your wife or girlfriend, if you’re so inclined. As for the ladies in the house, this post is about the visit from Aunt Flow, or as Alicia Silverstone immortally uttered in Clueless, “I was surfing the crimson wave.”

I don’t know about you, but I used to read YM magazine when I was a young miss/young and modern/what have you and it was my ultimate nightmare that I would experience an incident that could make it into their embarrassing moments column that involved the arrival of that time of the month at what can only be described as “not supposed to be that time of the month.”

Then, I did experience one of those allegedly ultimate embarrassing high school moments where my period arrived in the middle of class and when I got up from my desk, I realized it. Fortunately, nobody noticed but me, which just goes to show that the red avenger is NOT always out to get you. (On another note, I did make it into the embarrassing moments column of YM, but that story involved Halloween, a man dressed up as a very realistic scarecrow, and an inappropriate gesture).

Most of my readers are mothers, and many of you probably recognize this time of the month as the reason you don’t do anything one week a month. Why? Because it’s heavy, it’s painful, you cramp a lot, you’re irritable, you’re bloated… etc. etc. The list goes on. In fact, according Healthy Women, 68% of women feel like their periods control them.

NOT COOL.

I don’t know about you, but I say we take back control of our lives. Healthy Women found that 75% of women with uncomfortable periods don’t even mention it to their OB/GYN, but than oftentimes, when they did, they found treatment options more comfortable than spending a portion of time every month wishing that an axe was handy.

If you’re part of that 75%, you might head on over to Healthy Women and see what they’ve got to tell you. You’ll be loading up on Vitamin B in no time.

Some additional links that might be of use:

Healthy Women Q&A One

Healthy Women Q&A Two

***
By the way, I wrote this review while participating in a blog tour campaign by Mom Central Consulting on behalf of Ferring Pharmaceuticals and received a promotional item to facilitate my review. But you should seriously check them out.

Happy New Year to everyone! I’m looking forward to 2010, as 2009 was a very long year for me. I considered writing some sappy reflection on the past year, but lucky for all of us, I didn’t have the time. Instead, please enjoy my reflections on the year, courtesy of words that ought to be banned.

shovel-ready, as in “In 2009, I never once heard this term. I guess nothing in California is shovel-ready.”

unfriended, as in “If you unfriended me in 2009, I wouldn’t know because I don’t care enough to check. But in 2010, you better watch it — I’ll stalk you if you dare unfriend me.”

stimulus, as in “If you added together all the times the word stimulus was uttered negatively by Glenn Beck and positively by Rachel Maddow in 2009, who would win? (And more importantly, what would they win?)”

Obamacare and Obamanomics, as in “See above.”

sexting, as in “In 2009, I learned that sexting is only a pleasurable experience when it involves high profile celebrities that you can blackmail, sue, or at the very least, publicly humiliate.”

tweeting, retweeting and tweetaholics, as in “I still haven’t gotten the hang of Twitter.”

bromance, as in “Hey, what’s wrong with bromance?”

teachable moment, as in “2009 was one big teachable moment for me, or as the phrase was previously known, life.”

chillax, as in “Dude, chillax, all I said was sexting would be cool if it involved a public figure. You don’t need to turn this into some teachable moment and unfriend me and all that.”

transparently and toxic assets, as in “I don’t know how anyone takes the word assets seriously anyway. Combining it with toxic was transparently someone’s lead-in to the world’s biggest butt joke.”

too big to fail, as in “Nothing is too big to fail. Not even someone’s toxic assets.”

app, as in “I wish they had an app to friend me with a public figure whom I could involve with a little sexting and then blackmail for money. Hopefully, he would later view the experience as a teachable moment.”

in these economic times, as in “For those of you disappointed in ths post, all I can say is that in these economic times, I have to work with the material given.”

Onward, 2010!