All Rileyed Up

Yesterday, The Boy was off his feet most of the day because he pulled his quadricep running down a hill too fast in his cowboy boots. That’s something for you to know as the rest of the post continues.

Today, Husband began installation of a new floor. In an effort to make the install go as easily as possible, I took the kids into town. I brought my computer and homework and figured we would go to the library. It was promising to be a fun and relaxing trip to the library until we learned that it was closed. About then, Little No Limit broke into a spontaneous nosebleed and became concerned she was going to die (it didn’t help that The Boy told her if she lost all her blood she would die – way to go on reading those books about the human body to him). I tried a coffee shop next. Also closed. I recalled hearing about another coffee shop with WiFi. I found it! Beautiful! Alas, my computer wouldn’t connect to their WiFi. Problems with the access key. Coffee4u? Apparently not.

When leaving the second coffee shop, some old man harassed my son (“What’s a big boy like you letting his mom carry him for?”) and I restrained myself from saying something rude (because he can’t f*cking walk, a**hole!) not only because the kids are into repeating me these days (not to mention drawing about my actions at school) but also because all my excess energy was going into lugging The Boy. He’s not exactly small anymore, you know?

We went shopping, walked outside a little. The heat was bad and the kids got hungry. In retrospect, I should have played my cards differently. I would not have gotten them the shots of wheat grass and pomegranate smoothies that I thought would be a cool healthy treat. Then Little No Limit busted out with another nosebleed (I know these multiple nosebleeds sound bad, but I was a maniac nosebleeder when I was her age, and look how normal I became) and I decided we better get out of the heat. Off we went to Trader Joe’s because it was nearby and I needed a few things from there.

Again, in retrospect, I might have played my cards differently.

Trader Joe’s was an easy experience until we got in line to buy our goods:
“Mmm,” Little No Limit says to me. “Mmmm.”
“What’s going on? Why aren’t you talking?”
She opens her mouth so that I can see that she has thrown up pomegranate smoothie in her mouth and is about to let it all out. I grab the only thing I have to catch it, my reusable Trader Joe’s bag… Did you know those things are watertight?

I had to throw that lovely, red, watertight bag away. I wanted to save it, but didn’t have the time to clean it out in the Trader Joe’s bathroom because I was concerned that Little No Limit could either throw up, burst into a nosebleed, or do both any second, and I wanted to get out of the store as quickly as possible. I also didn’t want to drive home with the throw-up bag in my car because it would just get all sticky and smelly and ew… no more thoughts on that… So I got her all cleaned up and advised the manager of the couple of droplets that hit the floor and then got back in line to buy my goods. At which point, The Boy covered his mouth in an attempt to prevent throw up from spewing everywhere. I rushed to the front of the line and asked the cashier for a bag “because my son is throwing up.” I may as well have spoken Greek.

While I realize it’s rude to burst through to the front of a grocery line and also not too common, I felt that time was of the essence. The cashier kind of stared at me, like she had no clue who this random woman was who’d wrecked the space-time continuum of the Trader Joe’s grocery line. Rather than be my usual self and engage in an overly wordy unnecessary conversation, I said “Look!” and pointed at The Boy, who promptly threw up on the floor… Did you know that pomegranate smoothie vomit is really red and kind of matches the Trader Joe’s red reusable bag?

A lot of things happened quickly after that:
*The cashier woman at that point handed me a bag which I managed to get back in time to catch the second onslaught of The Boy’s business, but it he’d already gotten a fair amount on himself and the floor.
*I returned to the manager and told him my kid had thrown up and pointed it out so that he realized I wasn’t repeating myself but actually informing him of a second throw up incident.
*I then returned to the bathroom carrying The Boy who couldn’t walk because of his pulled muscle which meant I got his vomit from his shirt all over my shirt as well.
*The Trader Joe’s bathroom was out of paper towels by this time because of a certain other vomiting experience and I cleaned up The Boy with toilet seat liners. Which I do NOT recommend.
*And then I went home.

It is hours later. Everyone is clean and asleep and feeling well and the Trader Joe’s experience is but an amusing memory. The only thing I have left to say is that my back hurts. HURTS. It’s been a long time since I carried a child around all day. And he never used to weigh 50 pounds.

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On another note, don’t forget I have a giveaway on the video in my sidebar to the right. If you win, you get your choice of a brand new GE stainless steel appliance.