Bye Bye Birdie
I found a dead bird in my yard yesterday. I’m not one for disturbing photos of the avian variety, so I’ll just describe this bird. It was sprawled out face down, wings outstretched, like it dove off a wall and sacrificed itself. The cause of death was indeterminable to my untrained eye. No blood, no bite marks, nothing appeared to be broken. Ooh, and its eyes were wide open. Extra creepy.
Suffice to say, the dead bird weirded me out.
And lest you think I’m a namby pamby, here was Husband’s reaction–
Me: There’s a dead bird in the yard.
Hubs: You want me to put it in the garbage?
Me: Technically, we’re supposed to call the county and report it so they can check for West Nile Virus. Maybe we should do that.
Hubs: Nah, I’ll just put it in the garbage. They don’t pick up all the birds anyway. Where is it?
I directed him to the bird and went inside to get dinner ready. He walks into the kitchen moments later.
Hubs: I think you should call the West Nile Virus line.
Me: Huh?
Hubs: That bird doesn’t look right. Did you see the position of it? It looks, well, it looks…
Me: Apocryphal?
Hubs: Yes! It’s freaking me out!
So I contacted the Vector Control District for the County today, and in the opening menu, the recording said, “To report a dead bird, which is in good condition, dial extension…”
How does one classify the good condition of a dead bird, I wondered.
Ask and ye shall receive.
Once I got to the actual Dead Bird Hotline, I reached another prerecorded message that detailed the three conditions the bird must meet in order to be picked up:
1. The bird must have died within the past 24 hours.
2. The bird must not have been hit by a car.
3. The bird is “not alive.”
You read that correctly. The Dead Bird Hotline specifies that the bird should be “not alive.”
I love governmentspeak.
And rather than reuse the excruciatingly appropriate Dead Parrot skit (It has ceased to be!!!!!), I hate to reuse skits, so instead I end with a little birdie song, in honor of the tweet tweet tweet that is no more:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5f_gbzo4Q0]
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c’mon, dead parrot, nigerian style!
Jim Carey freaks me out. Apocryphal, indeed.
Also I’ve tagged you for a meme back at my place. It to is namby pamby.
Leave it to the government to repeat itself.
Love the part about the bird sacrificing itself. Can you just see the cats on the other side of the fence saying…. do it, jump, do it. And then laughing hysterically when he does finally jump. Did they come and collect the bird?
There was a cat in my fan belt one morning and they came out. Good lady with a big old noose ended pole. She trapped that screaming cat. Thankfully it wasn’t hurt. It sure made a hellluva sound when I grinded the ignition.
Will make not that bird must be “not alive.” LMAO. Since I work in a gov. public job, I know those types of lines all too well.
Poor dead bird. A seagull got hit by a transport the other day right before my horrified eyes - all that was left of it was feathers.
I think it’s best for the government to assume we are stupid and spell out the obvious. Funny story.
But… what if we assume it’s the government who’s stupid? Do you really want to trust them with your apocryphal dead bird?
The fact that you described something as Apocryphal means that you are so beyond the Dead Bird Hotline that it’s not even funny. I wonder, do they have a routine you have to go through to prove the bird’s condition? A shake-and-shout, perhaps? Poke it with a stick?
I feel bad for the bird. Unless it was suicide, in which case that was the most selfish bird in existence and we’re all better off without it.