All Rileyed Up

So, Pluto has been downgraded. General reaction?

Ousted from the select group of celestial beings known as ‘planets.’ Why? For having an oval shaped orbit instead of a circle? Because it fools around a little with Neptune? This really is the mother of all social circles, er, solar circles? I feel sorry for poor little Pluto, outcast, denied, dissed, disowned. Pluto is totally being bullied. Who are these 7500 give or take a million astronomers who voted Pluto out? Why the anti Pluto? Do they have nothing better to do than to pick on old third grade test questions about the solar system? And for the love of where no man has gone before, how can they seriously think they can get away with calling it a Dwarf Planet?

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, something the astronomers didn’t release to the press. One, they actually spent most of their time in Prague discussing whether or not Tori Spelling was going to pay respects to her father during the Emmy presentation on Sunday night.

“Personally, I find that the internal kinematics of a galaxy directly relate to its dynamical mass, and can help place constraints on the type of galaxy that is being observed.You?”

Two, they spent the rest of the conference devising our newest reality TV series. Survivor: The Solar System. Pluto is just the beginning. Here’s the plot: We, the human species, are not far away from destroying our planet. For further details, LOOK AROUND YOU. We need a new place to move to. Hence, we’re eliminating our options one by one. Once there’s only one planet left, its prize is we’re all going to move there and take it over and build MacDonalds and Starbucks. See this map for further details.

Clearly, Pluto would be the first to go – cold mother fucker, the butt of all jokes, once the god of the Roman Underworld, now Mickey Mouse’s dog (which I guess is arguably the same thing).

Which planet will be next?

In the spirit of TV guide, a list of the competitors in order of when I predict they will get kicked off the show (based on my readings of the stars):

Mars – the next one to be voted out because Mars is LAME. Ooh, it’s red. Whatever, we already have Sedona. Because of its publicity from being on the show, though, Mars will get tapped by Trey Anastasio for an outdoor music festival.

Mercury – Hot headed, quick tempered, needs to chill out. Next off the show because everyone will be sick of putting up with his bullshit.

Venus – The Ginger of the show. She will get kicked off/leave the show to be the next Discovery centerfold.

Saturn – check them rings out, bitch! Saturn only cares about his bling. He’s pissed that Mars got the Range Rover test drives and claims that if it had been him, he’d have demanded better rims (check ‘em out, they’re spinning!).

Neptune – the quiet one. Made it through most of the challenges, but truthfully can’t hold a candle to the Machiavelli or Strong Brute so she will be the last one voted out before the final two. She will go quietly and never be heard from again. She harbors a secret love for Pluto, but could never be with a non-planet.

Jupiter – AKA Strong Brute. Will gain immunity in every physical challenge but will lose on the final vote because the Machiavelli always wins.

Uranus – the asshole, AKA, the Machiavelli, the clear winner, because when it comes down to it, we can all move there and officially say with honest integrity, “Yeah, I’m an asshole. What are you going to do about it?” (Digression: When I was in high school, I was playing Trivial Pursuit with my friend and her mom and for the life of me, I couldn’t read this question aloud to her mother: “Does Uranus have an aurora?” Why did the Trivial Pursuit people do that to me?)

I suppose at this point, you’re wondering where the fuck I studied Astronomy? Well, like every good college student says, I always wanted to be an astronomer, it was just the math that did me in. In fact, these are the only math equations I remember from my Astronomy class:

Horoscopes + The Birthday Astrology Book ? Astronomy
Pink Floyd at the Planetarium + Grilled Cheese ? Astronomy

I may be Asian, but…

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