All Rileyed Up

That’s the phrase du jour from the Crazy Hip Blog Mamas writing prompts. I have to say (er, write?), having grown up the younger sister of a HUGE comic book fan, I hear this question and automatically assume I must pick from the actual, bona fide comic book “Superheroes” – the people who have secret identities, wear masks, wield great power, and clad themselves in skin tight outfits. Why is it that this description could also be applied to the people who frequent S&M clubs? Not that I would know anything about that…

I thought about the prompt all day, while shuffling around with the kids. I took my son to pre-school, and then to the dermatologist. I got stuck in traffic and inwardly seethed over the $3.74 per gallon I spent on gas. I fretted over the bump on my daughter’s face, which she acquired yesterday from falling items in Nana’s laundry room. I visited a friend and our little ones played in the kiddie pool. We had scrambled eggs and watermelon for dinner. They took an extended bath then went to bed, after which I opened a bottle of wine and drank it.

This brings me to Now: what Superhero powers do I desire most of all?

I wish I could see through walls, so I didn’t have to sit in the bathroom when my kids felt like taking an extended bath because the toilet does not make for a comfortable seat. I wish I could sense things before they happened, so I could stop things from falling on my kids and giving them bumps and bruises. I wish I had healing powers, so eczema never plagued my son. I wish I could move at fast speeds and never wait in line again. I wish I could fly because that would be cool. Plus, it would save me gas money.

I couldn’t be Superman, though, because alcohol doesn’t affect him, and I need my unwinding. Plus, he has major issues. French Stewart on Third Rock From the Sun said it best: “Clark Kent is jealous that Lois Lane is in love with Superman.” I couldn’t be the Hulk because if I couldn’t control my temper, my poor kids… what would become of them? I couldn’t be The Flash because, frankly, he’s like the poster child for Fast and the Furious, of which I’m neither. Aquaman? Too rebellious. Mr. Fantastic? Kind of gross. Invisible Woman? Whatever – I was born to be a STAR!

When it comes down to it, I’m going to go with the same answer I’d have given you when I was 8.

I’d like to be Wonder Woman.

First of all, her powers and weapons are granted from Greek gods and goddesses. How cool is that? She’s from the Amazon and it’s always been a dream of mine to trek through the Amazon rainforest, which means if I was Wonder Woman, I’d know it like the back of my indestructible bracelet-clad hands. She had that invisible airplane which I could use to show those stealth bombers a thing or two. She held her own against Superman, which is altogether a cool bragging right. And best of all, she is the FIRST formidable female superhero, even if she was the friggin secretary for Justice League (written by a man).

The woman has power in every sense of the word – physical, mental, emotional, feminine. And a lasso of truth! Oh, the things I would do with that – Who broke that? Who pushed who? What did you just put in your mouth? Is that really the best price you can give me? Why are we in Iraq? (oooooh, and here you thought I would only use the lasso of truth on my kids… gotcha!)

I decided I should take an online quiz, because we all know how accurate those are.

I AM SPIDER-MAN:

Spider-Man

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90%

Supergirl

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78%

Wonder Woman

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78%

Catwoman

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75%

Iron Man

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65%

Superman

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60%

Robin

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58%

The Flash

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55%

Green Lantern

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50%

Hulk

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45%

Batman

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30%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

(I know what you’re thinking — how did a little sidekick bitch like Robin come to be included on a Superhero list? I have no idea either.)

As you see, the quiz determined me to be Spider-Man by a definite margin, with Supergirl and Wonder Woman tying for second place. Obviously, Supergirl is listed first because she has blond hair (written by a man).

As for Spider-Man, I accept the answer. There are many good things to say about Spider-Man, and I’m not talking about how good Tobey Maguire looks in the recent movies.

I’m talking about Spider-Man, the best of the “human” superheroes:
He is the worst when it come relationships. Yes, I can relate.
He’s a nerd. Well, you’re reading this – you tell me what a geek my big brother turned me into.
He suffers major internal angst. Oh, who doesn’t.

I think the main reason Spider-Man doesn’t get my vote in terms of who I’d wish to be is because, as the quiz points out, I already am him. He is very much a regular human being. He just happens to have super powers. He questions himself, he gets hurt, he gets confused, he says stupid things, he makes mistakes, and sometimes feels he has only himself to get him through it all (geez,I can’t believe he’s not a mother). Why wish to be those things? I’d rather be the wise and powerful and beautiful Greek-slash-Amazonian warrior princess.

When I wish, I go all the way, baby. Besides, her underoos are the bomb.